Let’s be honest. The novel Fifty Shades of Grey is somewhat lacking in terms of character complexity, plot, and style. You – my genius readers – already knew this, and yet many of you still are reading it (or are planning on reading it anyways). I know why. You know why. Everyone knows why. And so, out of the goodness of my heart, I will spare you any kind of literary or feminist critique of the book (and believe me, there are a few) and give you what you want: a hilarious list of things that you can learn here and therefore use to avoid reading non-sex- scene portion (the bulk) of the book.
The rest of the book can be summarized as follows:
1. Lip Biting is Very Sexy
Ana bites her lip for the first and second time in Chapter 2, and from there the lip biting just spirals out of control. Often, Ana doesn’t remember that she’s biting her lip in a ridiculously sexy way until our favourite dom, Mr. Grey himself, says things like: “I want to bite that lip” or “I know that lip is delicious, I can attest to that, but will you please stop biting it?” or “Stop biting your lip or I will fuck you in the elevator and I don’t care who gets in with us”. At times, the lip biting drives Grey so insane with lust that he actually “clamps his teeth around her lower lip and pulls gently”. Lip biting, people – it’s a whole new kind of seduction.
Indulging in my love of data, I put my one methodologies course to good use and plot the number of time lip biting is mentioned per chapter:
2. For every emotion felt, one’s “inner goddess” does something kind of weird.
I’ve never really known that I had an inner goddess inside of me, but if my inner goddess is anything like Anastasia Steele’s I will be pretty freaked out – not that there is any chance that my inner goddess would be half as athletic as Ana’s. Ana’s inner goddess “sways in a gentle victorious samba” (Chapter 5), “is thrilled” (Chapter 9), “does the meringue with some salsa moves” (Chapter 9), “has stopped dancing and is staring, too, openmouthed and drooling slightly” (Chapter 9), “is thrilled” (again) (Chapter 10), “sits in the lotus position looking serene except for the sly, self-congratulatory smile on her face” (Chapter 10), “glows so bright she could light up Portland” (Chapter 12), “jumps up and down with cheerleading pom-poms shouting yes at me” (Chapter 14), “is doing backflips in a routine worthy of a Russian Olympic gymnast” (Chapter 14), “roars” (Chapter 15), “is spinning like a world class ballerina” (Chapter 18), “is doing the dance of the seven veils” (Chapter 20), “pole-vaults over the fifteen foot bar” (Chapter 22), among other vigorous activities.
If you want to find your inner goddess, here is a 100% accurate quiz you can take. (I got Dreaming Soul, for the record.)
3. A well-read vocabulary is pretty hot.
Ana Steele has a 4.0 in the book, and her vocabulary is definitely proof of this. She prefers to spend her time “reading a classic British novel, curled up in a chair in the campus library. Not sitting twitching nervously in a colossal glass-and-stone edifice”. Unlike less mind, Ana laments: “it will take an eternity to expunge the feel of his arms around me and his wonderful fragrance from my brain”. Her subconscious sometimes rears her “somnambulant” head. “Censorious” eyebrows are raised, “epistles” are read, “jubilation metamorphoses into concern”, and Ana is left to “sit on the barstool, momentarily stupefied, trying to assimilate [a] morsel of information”. It’s a tough world out there folks, but with the help of your SAT prep book you too can wow a billionaire sex-a-holic into marrying you and wanting to give you a company right out of college.
4. Some things are just meant to be read aloud, with friends for maximum enjoyment. Seriously, you’re a bad friend if you don’t put on your best dramatic voice and read things like this:
“Are you going to make love to me?” “I don’t ‘make love’, I fuck. Hard.”
For giggles: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Q7KK1k2G9HQ.
Did you read Fifty Shades? Out yourself on the internet and tell me what you thought in the comments!
Illustrations and graphic by Daniel Kent
Chart designed by Katrina Regino