Are you a Microwave or an Oven? Dating 101 for 2013 | By Gina Wicentowich

As we all head towards 2013 let’s learn from our mistakes from this past year… our dating mishaps. Remember when you didn’t play it cool? Drunken text messages? How you wish you had asked for that number before the end of term?

Here are some analogies to help your love life for 2013!

Now, the biggest problem with the opposite sexes is we don’t understand each other.

If you are a girl that has understood every guy you have ever dated, well, I am going to call you a mind-reader. That is impossible. But on the other hand, I can hardly understand what I want half the time so how are guys supposed to fare? Girls say more in what we don’t say than in what we actually say.

This is how the majority of girls are over-analyzers. We over-think and make up analogies in our mind to explain the things guys do that don’t make any sense. When that boy doesn’t text us back we go look over all our text messages to see if there is something we said wrong. We look at the tone, wording, and how long it took us to text them back. If that doesn’t provide an answer then, we look at everything we did when we were in their vicinity. Did we come on too strong? Did they realize how much we liked them? We try and find a logical reason that a guy is not into us… because there has to be a logical reason.

On the other hand, most boys are under-analyzers. Half the time they don’t understand what they do wrong because they don’t think in specifics, just broad actions. Text her. Chill with her. They look at the bigger picture.

When a girl meets a guy she immediately knows how she feels. Girls are microwaves. Within a two minute span a girl realizes that she likes this boy and wants to get to know him. It is not only an immediate attraction but a curiosity to figure out this boy. Then, after a successful first date a girl is ecstatic, jubilant, floating. At this phase, the over-thinking starts to kick in. She will actually begin to think of the idea of this boy and fit him into her life instead of seeing how he actually fits: “He likes hockey so he will get along with my dad because they would just sit and talk about hockey. And my friends would love him because he’s so relaxed and easy to talk to. And he drives so we could hang out all the time. And he likes steak so maybe we’ll start going on romantic dates to The Keg….” Her mind begins to wonder to all the possibilities. She starts to make the idea of this boy fit in her reality. She thinks of everything she wants and makes this boy fit that idea based off of the narrow things she knows about him. Bet you didn’t know your microwave had this setting. But hey, at least us girls know what we want.

But, then the issue here is that girls get emotionally attached TOO QUICKLY!!! And, this happens before it’s actually realistic to be so attached since she doesn’t know the person well enough yet.

Girl calls best friend and says, “I REALLY like this boy. He’s perfect. I can’t stop thinking about him.”

After first date, boy recalls the night to one of his buddies and says, “Yeah, she’s a cool girl.”
See the discrepancy?

A boy goes on a very successful date with a girl and walks away thinking, “that was a lot of fun.” The words cool, funny, and sweet are thrown around. But they don’t focus on the date. Boys are ovens. It takes them a while to warm up and figure out how they feel about a girl. It is not an instinctive, intuitive feeling. They think about actions and cute things that the girl does- her smile for example. It won’t be for another few dates till this boy says he “likes” the girl. Then, it isn’t for a few more dates until the guy considers actually dating the girl. Ovens don’t get emotionally attached right away. This is the huge problem between the sexes. Girls get emotionally attached and think they immediately have something meaningful because they are addicted to the euphoric feeling of butterflies in our stomach. We just want that feeling- that initial excitement and anticipation. Guys don’t have that feeling to the same extent. So, when the girls begins to plan a beach-front wedding after the third date the guy may realize he just doesn’t like the girl enough to continue seeing her. BUT, instead of telling her he just becomes a wimp and stops texting her.

Boys oh boys. Find your balls and just tell the girl you’re not into her. I swear, everything will be okay.

See, the girl you started ignoring will be obsessed with what she did wrong to make you stop liking her. And, you will be sitting with your feet up watching the World Juniors with no care in the world.

Guys like stability and simplicity- that is what they are addicted to. However, after a year long relationship this is where a different problem emerges. After this long, those once euphoric butterflies have escaped girls’ stomachs. Relationships get STAGNANT. And girls get bored. Then, they either find someone else to be infatuated with, or end the relationship because everything he does is irritating.

BUT, this is when the oven has heated up completely and is at a hot, consistent temperature. This is when the guy is most content. He has found a girl where he can just be himself with; they can just sit on the couch watching television and drinking beer. It is the perfect world. His girl takes care of him and he loves the stability of having her around. It requires minimal effort. He loves her. But… then she breaks it off and the guy is heartbroken.

It takes a lot longer for an over to cool off than a microwave. Girls are fairly good at bouncing back. But, when a guy is really in love with a girl it’s not as easy. It takes a while, and there most definitely is a beard and sweat pant stage of grieving.

So there’s the problem.

Girls, for 2013, let’s stop over-thinking. Just let things be. If a guy stops texting you there is nothing you did wrong- it’s his issue. If you need some romance or affection go with your girlfriends and watch Crazy, Stupid, Love because who can be sad after seeing Ryan Gosling’s abs. Depend on your girls not on some guy who you can’t comprehend. Just live in the moment and if someone made you happy for a short period of time then be happy they were there, even if it wasn’t for as long as you hoped it would be.

Boys, for 2013, just go all in! Instead of being cautious just grab a girl you think is beautiful and hang out with her. If you’re not into it then tell her. If you are into it then tell her. Take charge men! Let those ovens heat up!

CC photograph courtesy of Flickr, found here.

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  • SM

    What kind of thinking is this? Did you make these groundbreaking conclusions based on late-night romcom marathons? These sweeping generalities offer absolutely no new insight and are downright cringeworthy. I would discorage any reader from adopting this inane mentality.

  • A Pimp Named Slickback

    But see, times have changed…Women wanna act/think like men, and some men think like women . That’s where the problem begins.

  • Jordan

    This scenario has played out in my dating life. But how do guys keep the microwave running for more than a year?

  • BrokenSoul

    I agree with Jordan.

    How can you keep the microwave running for longer than 2 or more years if girls get bored so quickly? Especially considering how many of them are in their “prime” years when they are still be “young and wild” as quoted from said microwave.

  • what

    This is the most conservative, narrow-minded, failed attempt at gender definition I’ve read in a long time.

  • What what

    “SM” and “what,” you guys must have serious problems socializing.. See, dating advices are given based on recurring behaviours of both genders. Of course, everyone is different and you can’t really apply all of the dating advices.. but this kind of generalization is something that you’ll always find in dating advice articles. Otherwise, all one could say will be things like “be confident,” or “be yourself.” Don’t click on these kinds of articles if you hate these kinds of generalizations.. duh.

  • uh…

    Thanks for the “advises” What what. I have absolutely no problems socializing but it’s nice to see you support sweeping generalities by insulting me with more assumptions about who I am. When something like this is published, expecting to be read by the masses, criticism is just part of the game. There’s a reason they’ve left a section for comments.

    The times they are a changin’

  • hmmm

    i feel like in fact, these stereotypes are the exact opposite.