Can Pandas do Slip-and-Slide? Today, we’ll find out | The Wanderer Sports

It’s 10:20 am, we’re less than four hours until game-time, and it’s snowing outside. SNOWING. But why should we be surprised? This is Edmonton, and it’s October. For Canada West soccer in Alberta, September is usually beautiful, but then the tail-end of the month brings colder temperatures, followed by the enigmatic, unpredictable October. Today, she’s dumping snowflakes on the Foote Field grass, making for a slick playing surface. But don’t worry, because the solution to this quandary is presented later on in this article.

The Pandas opponent, the Winnipeg Wesmen (hey, at least it’s original… better than the Cougars), comes in with a 1-8-1 record. The first thought that comes to mind with the name “Wesmen” is Wesley Snipes, who according to Wikipedia has “starred in numerous films, thrillers, and dramatic feature films.”  Moreover, he was charged with a misdemeanour failure to file U.S. federal income tax returns. Wikipedia never lies, and prison is bad. Hence, the Wesmen are in questionable territory. The least that a team with just one win on the season can do is file their U.S. federal income tax returns; the Wesmen can’t even live up to this standard. COME ON! Would Will Ferrell approve of this? You betcha he wouldn’t. Neither would Celine Dion or Maury.

Last weekend, the Pandas dropped two contests in Saskatchewan, but let’s delve a little further and examine the details. To begin, two is a great number. The New York Yankees shortstop Derek Jeter wears the number two. Jeter is the King of New York, so if you hate on Jeter, you hate on New York. Don’t do that. Furthermore, those days with TWO final exams always END UP being the best. Why? Because you have all the more reason to celebrate, to hit Garneau Pub/Avenue/RATT/Dewey’s/Whyte and let loose for awhile. Oh, and you know when you open a fortune cookie and find not one, but TWO slips of paper? Yeah, that’s a good feeling. So it’s quite obvious that two is a good number.

For today’s game, The Wanderer Online recommends that the team spends the next three hours playing small-sided soccer on a 50×50 meter slip-and-slide. If groin injuries can be avoided, then the slick Foote Field terrain will be no problem. The ball will skid into Wesmen players’ shin-guards, leading to poor first touches and plenty of hilarious moments where defenders slip backwards while attempting to make quick turns.

By half-time, the game will be over: the Pandas will have scored more goals versus Winnipeg than Honduras did in 45 minutes against Canada. Fortunately for Winnipeg, they need only wait for 2013 to redeem themselves.

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