Ditching the Creep: Wanderer Online Sex Advice | By Chloe Knight

In Chloe’s first contribution to WOSA, she writes about the best places for scoping out men on campus. Two weeks later, Chloe is back with her second take on student relationship and sex advice. 

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Chloe,

So I followed your advice and started looking for guys at school. I met a guy who seemed really nice at first but now he won’t leave me alone. I’ve only known him for two weeks but he texts me all the time asking if I want to hang out and is always calling me pretty and girlfriend material. We don’t really talk about anything interesting, he just hits on me. I’m just not that into him but don’t want to reject him and be a bitch because I think we’d be good friends. I’ve tried making a friend-zone and ignoring his texts sometimes but nothing is really working?

You’re probably being a lot nicer than you have to be. If he continues to make advances, either you aren’t being clear enough with your intentions or this boy is one clueless mofo. Being straight-up about your emotions isn’t bitchy, it’s honest—which is a lot better than being deceiving.

Either way, the whole “let’s be friends” thing isn’t going to work out. Us girls have a bad rap for keeping guys around that we have no interest in dating, usually because they make us feel better about ourselves. That isn’t very nice. Girls and guys are totally capable of having completely platonic and awesome friendships, but once any sort of unrequited romantic interest gets thrown into the mix, things start to get dicey. When one-half of the friendship is clinging to the prospect of getting together someday, they will be holding on to a false hope until this illusion is shattered. Then the ugly, ugly term “Friend Zone” gets slapped on the situation because someone wasn’t honest about their feelings from the start. The Friend Zone has nothing to do with being friends, it’s about somebody getting pissy that they aren’t getting in their friend’s pants. Ugh, isn’t friendship the worst?

So here’s my advice: this dude seems to only stick around because he thinks you’d be fun for him to put his stick around. If you’re two weeks in and all he does is hit on you, he probably didn’t have any interest in being your friend in the first place, which sucks. Asking him to be friends will only perpetuate this annoying situation. So tell him you’re not looking to date anyone at the moment and be respectful, but firm. If he won’t take no for an answer, just ignore him. It’s not your job to justify why you don’t want to get with someone.

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I attract the weirdest guys. I’m running out of ways to get rid of them. I don’t actually feel in danger or anything but I’m just wondering what you would do.

Anonymous

As a last resort, just give him a taste of his own medicine. Tell him he smells like porridge. Act disturbed. Act intrigued. Act aroused. All at the same time. Mention “The System” frequently. Ask him if he knows The Secret. Ask him if he’s into dogs. Ask him if he’s into dogs.

When he asks how your day is going, tell him it’s “spicy.” Slowly roll a package of ketchup between your fingers. Repeat everything he says in a low, horrid voice. Start whispering the lyrics to Eminem’s “Lose Yourself,” slowly escalating until a stranger tells you to calm down. Pretend you are both deaf and blind and mouth “I. AM. INSANE” with crazy eyes until onlookers start to back away.

Tell him to stop being so hipster. Tell him to stop being so conformist. Tell him that he just needs to learn to love himself. Tell him that YOLO is your motto. Ask him if his implants are real and give ‘em a little squeeze. Invite him to your Bible study. Tell him you’re ovulating. Ask him if he’d like to see the real Blue Waffle.

Ask him if he’s familiar with The Abe Lincoln, Shrimping, The Game of Smiles, The Nixon or The Emeril. Ask him if he’s ever Supermanned a ho. Ask him if he’s done The Bait N’ Tackle, Dog in a Bathtub, The Landshark or The Cincinatti Bowtie. If he looks slightly uncomfortable at any time, tell him to stop being so vanilla.

If he hasn’t called campus security by this point, pat yourself on the back. You just found your soulmate, sister. To quote/plagiarize my homegirl Jenna Marbles, if a dude still wants to stick around after seeing you act a fool, he is probably “really fucking cool and has a sense of humor.” So there you have it, a sure-fire way to either scare someone off for good or find the love of your life. You are welcome.

Go ahead and send all of your sex and relationships questions to me at thewanderersex@gmail.com. I promise, it will be all sexy sexy and no judgy judgy.

Photography courtesy of Max Hurd. 

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