Ditching the Friend Zone: Wanderer Online Sex Advice | By Darren Tardif

Welcome back! I’ve been deathly ill all week so I couldn’t go out drinking. First world problems, eh? Luckily, I’ve been blessed with the opportunity to share my knowledge before I cough up both of my lungs. Seriously, I thought the Black Death was eradicated at least forty years ago. Join me this week for phlegm, mucus, and a couple of gents who need advice courting the lady folk.

*****

So I met this girl, we hit it off. We are a lot alike. She is cute, laughs at my jokes (I have a very crude and gross sense of humor), really easy going. She says she wants to be friends first with the next guy she dates and even told two of my friends she likes me a lot after we had hung out a few times. We then hang out all night partying and early in the morning (6 am) I call a cab. I ask if she wants to come crash at my place, but she chooses to stay at the party.  A week later I find out she hooked up with a thirty year old bald guy after I left.

How do I take this? She knows that I know what happened that night, but still seems to kind of want me. Do I ditch the chick, or look past what happened and pursue her?

– Ditched for a stooge named Moe

Sounds like you’ve gotten yourself into a quite the situation. Girls are trouble, and you’ve gotta decide if this chick is worth the effort. Allow me to give you an outsider’s view, which will hopefully guide you to making a decision.

First, worst-case scenario: she’s quite… promiscuous. If you’re seriously considering dating this girl, you might want to check into her past sexual history for your own information and the safety of your man parts. It’s hard to date someone with a 24hr drive through between their legs – it’s even harder to tell your doctor that it hurts when you pee. The ditch might be a better option for this girl. I mean ditch her; I don’t want to be an accessory to murder because of syntax.

On a more positive note, or negative depending on the test, her behaviour might be a reaction to seriously considering dating you. Usually it happens in guys, but girls can also experience anxiety when thinking of settling down. Perhaps she needed to express her freedom all over someone, and Moe was the first guy in her general vicinity after your departure.

She could also be testing you, in a sick messing with your mind and other people kind of way. This girl might be playing hard to get in the best way she knows how. You overreact, you lose. You brush it off as no big deal, you show patience and acceptance in the face of adversity and rejection. I wouldn’t classify that as a win, but it beats getting shot for not winning a gold medal.

In any case, you’ve got to decide if this girl is worth swallowing your pride for. Sure, she took a ride on a rival airline. It’s not the end of the world. If she’s still interested, you’re only a couple of cocktails away from showing her your cockpit. If you’re mad that someone else beat you to it, you can always date high school chicks. Think about it, when you get a girlfriend her parents might pay for some of your dates!

*****

I have been hanging out with a girl for a couple months now and things have been going well, but recently I have reason to believe I’ve been falling into the bottomless pit cruelly known as the friend zone. We’re really good friends and she knows I’m attracted to her but I’m going nowhere fast.  

How do I climb out of the friend zone and into the fun zone?

– Just best friends for ever

Well JBFFE, I’ve got bad news for you. The friend zone is just like the Discovery Zone1 but for adults. You get in, think you’re having a blast, get lost in the maze for 14 hours while your uncle hits on teen girls, then sob uncontrollably in the ball pit until the security guard comes in to rescue you. Oh, the friend zone – one of the biggest paradoxes in the relationship universe. When you ask a really, really old and wise couple what keeps their marriage going for so long, many of them reply “I married my best friend.” WHAT? Theoretically, the friend zone should be a good thing. Hey, I’m your best friend and we share all of our deepest secrets! Let’s share saliva! Unfortunately, it is rarely this easy. Getting into her pants requires getting out of the friend zone. Although this seems counter-intuitive, there is a smattering of method to this madness. First, we must understand where this so-called ‘friend zone’ comes from.

Because guys are rational thinkers, I’ll take a mathematical approach to solving this division (of her legs) problem. The friend zone is based on comfort and trust. Through your interactions, the female in question has managed to categorize you in both safe and trustworthy file folders. You must somehow maintain the trust variable while shifting the comfort spectrum over enough to change her perceptions. Right now, she has chosen to categorize you as sexually incompatible while maintaining an emotional relationship. You need something to break free from her mental constriction – an X factor. How do you solve for X?

Look at this Venn Diagram. Isn’t it rad? 95% of people love Venn Diagrams. The other 5% couldn’t read.

1. Danger

Right now, you’re her cute puppy dog follower. You need something to help you get inside her head. This is psychological warfare, so put on your best James Dean and break some fucking rules. Be mysterious. Be dark. There is something so damn appealing about bad boys. I’m not saying you need to change who you are, but show her the exciting side of your life. Yin and Yang, everyone’s got that bit of sinister savvy hidden somewhere. The more she associates you with excitement, the less she’ll be inclined to paint the big FZ target on you in her mind’s eye.

Suggestions:

– Read happy poetry to emo kids lurking in the mall

– Go commando

– Overthrow a benevolent dictator

– Stay out past curfew

– Have a broken and disturbing past. Refuse to talk about it

2. Alpha Male

Stop being so beta around her. No, I’m not saying you need to be a raging douchebag all the time. You don’t have to get in bar fights or beat up nerds, wear sunglasses at night or be the leader of your wolf pack. You just need to demonstrate the ability to take charge, and to do it with confidence. In this case it’s not that nice guys finish last, it’s that nice guys can’t finish at all because they can’t even get it in. Too often guys think they are being nice, but are actually coming across as indecisive, submissive and, well, lame. It’s easy to get pegged as ‘just a friend’ if you’re always accommodating. Don’t be afraid to take charge once in a while. Who knows, maybe the next time she’ll let you take charge in the bedroom too (and the kitchen, elevator, McDonald’s drivethru, you get my point).

3. Sexual Attraction 

First, get a photo album of all your ex-girlfriends. Rate them from 1-10 below all of their pictures. Knock two points off each one you big liar. Boom, instant proof of sexual attraction!

In all seriousness, there are so many ways girls are sexually attracted to men.  You are friends; you should know what makes her tick by now. If it’s her biological clock that’s ticking, just give her a coupon for one free baby-making session and you’re set. Again, my biggest point here is not to change yourself. Instead, accentuate or emphasise the parts of your persona that you think she’ll find attractive. Put your best self forward. Above all else, be confident. Confidence is to dating as the paper clip is to MacGyver. I don’t care how you do it. Stand in front of the mirror and tell yourself ‘I’m fucking awesome’ 400 times before you leave your house in the morning. Listen to some motivational CD’s. Hypnosis. Whatever. Just be ridiculously confident in who you are and things will fall into place. Having trouble? She already likes you enough to be friends, so don’t fret. Still having trouble? One shot Hot 100 q2h prn bra. If all else fails, whip out your junk and helicopter like there’s no tomorrow. My sources say respectable women really dig that – moth to flame type stuff.

With a balance of these three variables, you now have the right equation to subtract yourself from the friend zone, and maybe even subtract her mental chastity belt to boot. That’s some real-life mathematics for you. Classed dismissed until next week. Your homework is to prepare a research paper on the effectiveness of alcohol ingestion on Yersinia Pestis.

1. Discovery Zone, for those of you born too late to enjoy.

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  • Peter Parker

    Darren, please tell your parents I said thank you

  • Longbow

    “It’s hard to date someone with a 24hr drive through between their legs” – money

  • Anon

    You should write a version like this for girls…i.e. how the hell do girls get out of the friend zone?

  • Miss Andry

    Yikes! It seems that you think “the friend zone” is a real thing. Fortunately for you and all the other NICE GUYS out there, it actually isn’t! You don’t need to write articles about getting OUT of the friend zone anymore! You see, sometimes when people aren’t romantically compatible, they end up becoming friends instead. WEIRD RIGHT?

    You might think that men need your help getting out of this wretched “zone” but, here’s a cool fact: being nice to a woman DOESN’T make you entitled to have sex with her and you can’t manipulate women either!! WHOA CRAZY STUFF AM I RIGHT? And, as it turns out, friends are actually really cool things to have!!!

    I think it’s time to retire the fedora, dude, and embrace the platonic world.