What goes up must come down. Most of us know that saying, and I’m pretty sure Nelly Furtado sang about that at one point. No matter how well you’re doing, you better keep things in perspective, because life can come crashing back down in a matter of seconds. Some recent examples come to mind: the Oilers after their Stanley Cup run, the stock market and of course… Tom Brady and the New England Patriots.
This weekend, the Golden Bears soccer team, ranked number four in le Canada, play the 8-0 UBC Thunderbirds. EIGHT AND ZERO. Eight wins, not one loss. That’s like, a 100% winning percentage. That must mean they’re pretty good, right? Yes, the T-birds are pretty good. Much better than the UNBC Timberwolves, the vanilla Huskies and the Mount Royal Cougars. However, only a few years ago, the New England Patriots were something like 16-0, perfect throughout the regular season and on the verge of overcoming Eli Manning and the New York Giants in the Superbowl. Then, out of nowhere, Manning throws this long pass down the field, which a Giants receiver catches with his HELMET. Several moments later, Plaxico Burress – before he shot himself in the leg and delayed his career (gunshot injuries aren’t so good for running quickly, unless you’re running away from one) – scores the game-winning touchdown. Tom Brady was sad, but whatever… no-one outside of Massachusetts truly cares about a multi-millionaire with a gorgeous wife and a few Superbowl rings.
Basically, the Superbowl shows us that even the best of the best are destined to fall. There are exceptions, like the Conservatives in Alberta or the New York Yankees, but even they falter. However, UBC is NOTHING like either of these two examples. They’re on the West Coast, and based on that fact alone, they lose their links to Conservative and Yankees dynasties. REMEMBER, readers, British Columbia is good for a few things: drugs, Vancouver, baseball, seafood, small cafes and riots. Soccer doesn’t quite make the list. And BC politics is unpredictable, just like crying babies at your favourite restaurant (you never know when they’re gonna explode).
Moreover, if you haven’t been paying attention to the news in BC, the government created a marketing campaign emphasizing the opinion that “Hipster is not a real job.” Suffice it to say, hipsters responded by, well, not responding. Why? Doing so would be too mainstream. As you can see, hipsters are sensitive. They are hilarious, for sure, but sensitive. Now, keep this in mind as we take the argument one step further. There’s no doubt that UBC’s soccer team is at least 1/2 hipster. Agree on this? (Come on, we’re talking BC here.) Good.
So now we’ve established that a) hipsters are sensitive and b) at least 1/2 of UBC is hipster. Thus, 1/2 of UBC is sensitive.
Now, if you look at the weather outside, it’s cold and rainy. How do sensitive people cope with this weather? Poorly. Connect the dots, and the result of the weekend UBC game is sealed. UBC shows up to Foote Field for the game, but they don’t show up. Bears win 2-0 and meme-creation ensues.