Holy Family Channel Trio Soothes TWU loss to Golden Bears | The Wanderer Sports

This weekend, the Bears encountered two teams from British Columbia, both of which were ranked (NOT ANYMORE!) in the top 5 for Canadian soccer. Therefore, within a 24-hour period, 3 out of Canada’s top 5 amateur soccer teams were at Foote Field. A quality weekend of soccer, indeed. Especially for the Golden Bears.

In game one, playing against UBC, ranked #1 in Canada, the teams traded goals like Pokemon card collectors in a grade six playground, but it all ended in a draw, 2-2. Whether or not striker Marcus Johnstone – who set up the first goal by Zenon Markevych – will create memes for this match is still to be determined. However, there’s no doubt that this was one of the best soccer games in Canada in 2012. After making a clinical pass last week that set up Markevych’s go-ahead goal versus Saskatchewan, Jonah Feil knocked home a cross by Niko Saler in the closing minutes of the game. Losing the lead so late in the game was a bitter pill to swallow for UBC, but hey, Vancouver has plenty of green herb to calm players’ nerves. A good ‘ol rum and coke does the trick as well, and as you know, Captain Morgan’s spiced rum is an integral addition to one’s pantry this Christmas season.

Now in game two, the Bears played the Trinity Western Spartans. (Full disclosure: before the game, the players DO NOT yell, “This is Sparta!!!” Because that would be dumb. Definitely not something that college students do.) Along for the ride with the Trinity Western team was the holy trio of Ananda Bynes, Lindsy Lohan and Remi Lovato (Efron, Hudges, Tisdale and the Suite Life twins were rumoured to have attended as well), all of which served as “role models” for the team in the inevitable TWU loss. Though rumours are unconfirmed, it is quite possible that TWU would have followed in the footsteps of UBC, letting a little too loose following a winless match. With the Bynes-Lovato-Lohan trio looking to make amends for a life in the fast line, they’re the three best people in the world for promoting a life of abstinence. Right? Oh… you disagree with that statement? Vehemently? Well, then, maybe they’re not the three best people, but they’re at least in the top 300, right? Oh, you still disagree? Let’s just ignore that and move on. MOVING ON!

In this match, it was… GUESS WHO doing the scoring?! Jonah! In the first half, Feil scored to put the Golden Bears up 1-0. In the second half, another usual suspect scored to put the team up 2-0. And that would be Zenon Markevych. Somehow, TWU scored during injury time, but that’s all she wrote. Bears win, Bears win. TWU returns to wherever TWU is, with Bynes, Lohan and Lovato hopping off the bus in Vancouver. The trio’s destination? Some show on Family Channel, playing characters ten years younger than their ages in real life.


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