Since our debut on July 5, we’ve published stories every day of the week, ranging from a column on jeans to interviews with standout Edmontonians, and much more. July 19, the two-week mark for The Wand, marks the start of a new column, Darren Tardif’s very own sex advice column. Hailing from the Faculty of Pharmacy, and one of last year’s top contestants in Mr. Pharmacy, Darren will answer your questions, and provide provocative yet insightful advice throughout the year. His responses will begin on Thursday July 26. Send in your questions to firstname.lastname@example.org.
And we turn it over to the man himself, Darren Tardif:
Thanks for checking out my article! Normally I’d delve into a deep and philosophical discussion about sex right now, but my inbox is quite empty. Instead, I will introduce myself. I’m a normal guy charged with the task of meddling in the relationships of others. Cooking, running and playing guitar are some of the things I do when I’m not in class or bumming around campus. I’m that guy you see singing along to the music in his car during the eight AM traffic rush. Chuck Palahniuk wrote my favourite books and I have a soft spot for Ke$ha. My ideal date is the legendary 12-in-1 date, but on a bachelor type reality show so I don’t have to plan any of it. And yes, I chive.
Now you might be asking yourself, “Who is this d-bag and why is he qualified to answer anything?” Why am I qualified to give sexual and relationship advice? I’m probably not. But here, I’ll distract you with my plenty-of-fish profile!
I am seeking a: Woman
Needs Test: Negative. Like a boss.
Chemistry: Was my first choice – didn’t turn out so well
Do you drink? Only during class
Do you want children? Admiral Ackbar would have something to say about this…
Marital Status: Blackbelt (I misread that but hey, chicks dig ninjas right?)
Do you do drugs? No but I sort of resemble Keith Richards after a few too many beers
Eye Color: Crystal blue or dead-on-the-inside green depending on who you ask
Profession: Sexual advice columnist / Internet tough guy
Do you have children? I received no cards this father’s day, so probably not
Longest Relationship: Four years, two cars and one Zac Efron cardboard cut-out
And now that I’m part of this dating website community, I know way more single people than all your friends do! That’s gotta count for something right? If not I can always Photoshop up a certificate.
Why do I want to write this column?
In order to explain my desire to give advice, I want to take you through a little analogy. Imagine a green ’94 neon sitting in the middle of an intersection; its owner is breaking every distracted driving law possible. Cell phone, bowl of noodles, chopsticks, lipstick – she’s one chainsaw away from a soccer mom juggling act. Enter speeding semi-truck stage right. Fifty-thousand pounds of metal are about to rearrange this woman’s molecular structure all over the pavement. You scream and wave and holler, but she’s got the Ke$ha cranked too loud to notice anything outside her metal box universe. Inevitably, there will be a mess. This is how I feel about sex and relationships. Accidents are waiting to happen and I don’t want to be the bystander anymore. I want to rip you out of that car, save you from the burning wreck. We’ve all been in that neon, oblivious, drumming fingers on the dash to ‘Tik-Tok.’ They say learn from your mistakes, but I’d rather learn from everyone else’s. Hopefully you’ll come to the dark side too.
Once again, send in your questions to email@example.com and brace yourself for Darren’s responses on July 26 2012. Our in-house blackbelt and Zac Efron fanatic will select the best questions, turn on some Ke$ha and make sure that you emerge with utmost confidence in your sexual exploits.