Welcome back! After a long week of midterms, it feels nice to sit in front of a computer and write about something unrelated to obscure receptor antagonists or the mating habits of male ducks. Ducks are cray cray, scientific fact. This week, we explore a taboo subject in the hopes of helping one of our readers realize his sick, awesome, and totally socially deviant fetish. I’d say ‘pics or it didn’t happen’, but I’m afraid of what would turn up inside my inbox…
Long time reader, first time commenter. I’ve noticed that this sex advice column has an unhealthy focus on relationships and I was hoping that I could remedy that while also ameliorating a dilemma of my own. My question to you is: What is the proper role of the prostate in lovemaking, and how do I introduce it to the relationship? When it comes to lovemaking my girlfriend seems to think she’s really got me “pegged” but the irony is that this couldn’t be further from the truth.
– Unmassaged in Edmonton
This. This is why I do the things I do. Dear sir, I’m not sure who you are, but you are a true hero. With that, let me elucidate the wonderful mystery that is the male love button.
Prostate: an organ that surrounds the urethra of males at the base of the bladder, comprising a muscular portion, which controls the release of urine, and a glandular portion, which secretes an alkaline fluid that makes up part of the semen and enhances the motility and fertility of sperm
– Dictionary.com (also, boooooooring)
Prostate: the centre of all joy in a man’s body
– Urban Dictionary, speaks the truth
Prostate: the male g-spot. Seriously, touch it enough and rainbow unicorns shoot out of your ass
– Urban Legend, but that would be awesome
For those of you who don’t know, the prostate is a walnut-sized organ involved in the male sexual response. According to Wikipedia, “it is possible for men to achieve orgasm solely through stimulation of the prostate gland, such as prostate massage or receptive anal intercourse.” We all know Wikipedia never lies, so the prostate must be equivalent to the male g-spot. With all this evidence, I’m beginning to question why prostate massage isn’t common practice in the majority of relationships. Everyone likes it when someone else does the dirty work.
So you want to introduce your prostate to your partner? Unfortunately, this is far more complicated than organizing a meet and greet. Wine and hors d’oeuvres really don’t mix with rectums; this combination usually involves ER visits with the line “I was dancing naked and fell onto the bottle, honest”. My first piece of advice? Get drunk. Alcohol will lower inhibitions to the point where “I want you to massage my man muscle… from the inside” might actually sound sexy. As an added bonus, you’re already dating so the worst thing that can happen is you’ll break up (which might not be that bad, considering your needs are not being met anyway) Plus, once someone has done something while drunk, it’s almost impossible to say no to doing it again while sober. I call this the Girlfriend Principle. This is mostly because it’s the only way I can get girlfriends.
Your moral compass might by truer than mine, so I will offer some alternatives to you free of charge! First, you can try to convince your girlfriend that all the cool kids are doing it. Pie charts, graphs and made-up statistics work wonders here. Put it all into a super trendy PowerPoint presentation and you’ll be well on your way to a good prostate tickling session!
If that doesn’t work, turn it into a game. Women love having fun, so put an interesting spin on it. Instead of asking her to stick fingers into gawd-awful places, you could try the following approach:
You: Hey, I have a super totally awesome fun new game you should try!
Her: I love having fun! What is it?!
You: Let’s play a rousing game of prostate tag!
See, doesn’t that sound like fun? I’m even starting a prostate tag league over here at the Wanderer HQ, although I have a sneaking suspicion first round draft picks will be limited to me, myself and I. On the plus side, I foresee a 4000% increase in office use of the term ‘assterbation’.
Lastly, you can try discussing it in an open and respectful manner outside of your regular sexual encounters. Pull your girlfriend aside and tell her that something important is missing from the relationship. The practice of prostate massage is actually quite common, so let her know that. Emphasize how much it would mean to you if she performs this favour for you. Base your position on mutual respect and love for one another and she might even be happy to do it. Crazy, huh?
If you’re thinking of engaging in some prostatic pleasure, make sure to keep safety in the back of your mind. Excessively vigorous prostate massage has been known to cause some serious life-threatening effects – most notably periprostatic hemorrhage, Fournier’s gangrene and septicaemia. If you’re too lazy to Wiki what those are, I’ll translate for you.
Periprostatic hemorrhage: MY ANUS IS BLEEDING!!!
Fournier’s gangrene: it’s like when your toes turn yellow, black and green and then shrivel and rot off. But inside of your asshole.
Septicaemia: You have a bacterial infection, except it’s EVERYWHERE. Symptoms include itchy blood and vomiting up internal organs. Hey look, it’s my spleen!
Well, there is your comprehensive guide to getting your daily recommended intake of prostate stimulation. I need to go pour hot lye into my ears so I can clean my brain and wash away the images scarred into my mind from when I googled Fournier’s gangrene. Send in your questions or prostate-petting horror stories to me at email@example.com. Until next week, class dismissed.