Every weekend, the Bears and Pandas soccer teams play two opponents in the Canada West Conference, a division with other university teams such as Calgary, UBC, Victoria and Saskatchewan. The Wanderer Online covers each of these games, whether or not they’re regular season tilts or mere exhibitions. Last week, the Pandas soccer team played two exhibitions against the Lethbridge Pronghorns and Mount Royal Cougars. Here is our recap for their 5-0 win against Lethbridge. Remember to be a good skeptic and take what we write with a grain of salt.
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According to Wikipedia, “Pronghorns are now quite numerous and outnumbered people in Wyoming and parts of northern Colorado until just recently.” Considering the Pandas’ recent thrashing of the Pronghorns of Lethbridge on August 25, Wyoming’s population will likely see a jump of about 20, the size of the Lethbridge soccer team’s roster.
Wikipedia also tells us that Pronghorns are “exceptionally fast, being built for maximum predator invasion through running.” Whether the Pandas were taking PEDs with Lance Armstrong or the Pronghorns simply spent too much time on the couch – munching on Doritos Enchilida Supreme to re-runs of Mantracker – is unknown. But it’s clear that the Pandas had the upper claw in their opening round of exhibition matches, dispatching of Alberta’s migratory deer-looking animals by a score of 5-0.
The thrashing was led by fifth-year player Elise Emmott, who scored a hat-trick. Kate Wilkinson and first-year Terri Kutryk each added a point, just for the heck of it. There’s no box-score on the Pandas website, but we assume that Pandas keepers Erin Gordon and Kaylee Rubin sat in net most of the game picking on dandelions and other flaura grown at Mount Royal ‘University.’
Finally, it is worth noting that, “When courting an estrous female, a male pronghorn will approach her while softly vocalizing and waving his head side to side, displaying his cheek patches” (again courtesy of Wikipedia).
Patches, who attended the game as a spectator, was unavailable for comment, but we believe that male pronghorns sang Celine Dione’s “Life Will Go On” to the female pronghorns following the match.
Wanna know how the Pandas did in game two versus Mount Royal? Read here.