This past week, Barack Obama dug into Mitt Romney, attributing his back-and-forth ideology to what he calls “Romnesia.” Whether it’s tax measures or foreign policy, Romnesia is a disease from which Mitt suffers, and that is costing him in this Presidential Election. Thankfully, Obamacare is the cure for this political version of amnesia, and the required dose is another four years of Barack in office.
The reason we bring this up is that Romnesia is strikingly similar to a disease going around in Lethbridge: Prongnesia. In short, Prongnesia takes place when a soccer team fails to qualify for the post-season in the Canada West, generally losing more games than it wins. In other words, Prongnesia takes place when a good soccer team spontaneously forgets how to play soccer. A well-known cause of the disease is believed to be the act of playing ninety-minute soccer games against the Golden Bears. Thus, it does not follow that GoldenBearCare is the cure to Prongnesia; there is something deeper that lies at the heart of this disease. (Some say it is coaching, others say it is the soccer talent pool in Alberta’s south.)
In past years, Prongnesia has led to some pretty lopsided results against the Golden Bears. In games where the Lethbridge Pronghorns stayed with their Alberta counterparts for the first forty-five minutes of soccer, Prongnesia quickly kicked in, leading to 2-0 and 3-0 defeats. Following these contests, Pronghorns developed mild fevers, bouts of diarrhoea and periodic chills. Indeed, Prongnesia is a tricky disease, both unpredictable and devastating.
On October 20 at 2 pm, the GoldenBearCare team is in Lethbridge to play the Pronghorns. The weatherman says there is a 70% chance of Prongnesia, and every pharmacy shop in town is closed. (Even then, there isn’t really a cure for the disease, though Ritalin has been rumoured to mitigate the harsh events.) Good luck, Pronghorns, and may the animal gods Graceful Gazelle and Clever Wolf be with you.