Whether you watch Southpark or not, you have to appreciate their sense of humour; namely, when making fun of smug people, who mostly live in San Francisco and drive hybrid cars. However, smug also rears its ugly head in British Columbia, land of Cannabis, the Pacific Ocean, but most important of all, the Vancouver Aquarium and pompous, hoity-toity, panties-in-a-bunch soccer parents. These parents travelled to Edmonton in one big flock last Friday, daydreaming about the relatively simple weekend to come. The plan? Set up shop in Edmonton, beat the Pandas twice and then make it home to Vancouver just in time for Thanksgiving Dinner: in this case, fish and chips.
The smug-o-meter for these parents was off the charts, quite similar to the example in this video:
On Saturday, undefeated UBC comes to town, and parents are looking for the harmless 90-minute win. Well, that prediction did not prove accurate. In fact, the Pandas came a few crossbars away from a commanding 1- or 2-0 win. (At the same time, Bears/Pandas player and athlete of the week, Kelti Biggs, made some key saves throughout the match to keep things at zeros.)
— Matt Gutsch (@MattGutsch) October 6, 2012
Game one versus UBC ended at 0-0, and the opposing parents actually weren’t too rowdy. In comparison to TWU, they were pretty tame.
But then Trinity Western arrives, riding a 21-game unbeaten streak in their conference, and an endless supply of smug. The TWU parents, all warm and cozy in their fuzzy blankets and TWU scarves, sit together in the Foote Field stands, “Sitting, Waiting, Wishing” for an opening goal. And it never comes. Think above those goddamn dreams where you’re trying to run away from someone, and you just can’t get away no matter how fast you go and you keep running in place and you look back and the person is catching up and you’ll never realize your dreams because you weren’t quick enough getting away and the world’s gonna end. And then you wake up. (Except, TWU didn’t.)
This is what the 90 minutes are like for the TWU parents. Of note is a remark from a TWU fan near the end of the first half, where this guy makes the insightful comment, “It would be nice to score a goal before half.” Well, no kidding paps! Moreover, once the Pandas’ Kayla Michaels scores her first of two goals on a clinical strike, the TWU “screw this biased ref” comments skyrocket like unemployment under Bush Jr.
So, the Pandas came away with 4 points out of 6, preserving the – knock on wood – undefeated record. Kelti Biggs had a perfect weekend, making some clutch saves and Michaels added another two goals to her ever-growing season tally.
In conclusion, TWU and UBC parents left Alberta with no Thanksgiving turkey on their plates, and a depleted reservoir of smug. The Pandas? Well, they could be smug, but it’s best to just let TWU parents live up to these lyrics.
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Now, go check out this week’s Deadspin-inspired Bears and Pandas Top 10 Or So Rankings.