The NHL Dropped its Winter Classic. Bastards Didn’t Know this is the New Winter Classic | The Wanderer Sports

In yesterday’s slush bowl between the Calgary Dinos and Trinity Western Spartans, the two teams went to extra-time. Calgary, down 2-1 in the 80th minute, earned a penalty shot and then somehow managed to convert without seeing the penalty taker slip while shooting or simply kick a field goal over the net like Sergio Ramos did a few years ago against Bayern Munich. In extra time, the ball bounced back and forward at midfield for quite some time, with all of the fans sitting on their hands (to keep them warm of course!), waiting for the eventual penalty shots. In the nail-biting finale, the team from the established city couldn’t hold on versus the team from god-only-knows-where. SO, the stage is set for the SEMI-FINALS!!! (Now repeat that in the voice of Andy Gray and Clive Tyldesley from FIFA 2013.) Good job.

With the game played in Mount Everest-like conditions, the midfield will probably ‘control’ much of the play, sort of like a ping pong game. Ball bounces off player one, hits it back to player 2 on the opposing team – all in the midfield. This goes on for most of the game. But maybe you’re thinking, “Wow, what a shitty analogy… First you compare Foote Field to Everest, and then the midfield play to a game of ping pong?” That’s actually a fair point, so perhaps some more convincing can be done through the analysis and comparison of several other games people enjoy playing.

1. Whack-A-Mole: Simple comparison here. The TWU players are the moles, and every headshot by a Bears striker on an opposing defender equals a whacked mole. Whack two or three moles and they all perish.

2. Rat Trap: This game never made sense to me, but it’s pretty clear that the TWU season – as successful as it was – is becoming enclosed by one of those traps that descend at the end of Rat Trap.

3. Degrassi High: Not a game, but thought this could be throw into the fray.

4. Tea Party: Not the American version; just a simple tea party with warm green tea following the match, to calm everyone’s nerves and help the players warm up.

5. One, two, three tag: Everyone likes that junior high game where someone guards a tree while others try to hide, run around and touch the tree before the guard can call their names.

Finally, with the NHL announcing that the Winter Classic is toast, THIS GAME is taking the name. Thus, we dub the Bears-TWU match the true Winter Classic of 2012. There you go, Gary Bettman.

Game time is 12:15 pm on Saturday, at Foote Field (located on South Campus). 

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