Pandas Face the League Leader in Saves, Timmy Howarde ‘Investigates’ | The Wanderer Sports

When the University of Northern British Columbia rolls into Edmonton, a league-leading goalie will slowly descend from the bus, sort of like when presidents step out of their private jets, or a championship sports team walks down the stairs from their plane. In this case, UNBC is getting off a) from a bus and b) they haven’t won a championship (nope, not even close). But it’s all the same, right?

Well, UNBC will be stepping out of their Greyhound/semi-private bus, and the Canada West conference’s league leader in saves will descend. It’s not Iker Casillas, it’s not Italy’s Buffon, and no, it’s not that Canadian goalie McLeod that won bronze in the Olympics. But still, it’s the UNBC goalie that leads the league in saves. We’ve contracted some prestigious researchers (they have PhDs, we think) from the Canadian Institute of Goalie Research and Other Related Soccer Things to look into the reasons behind this UNBC keeper’s high saves total. The results were striking. (Sort of like what teams do against UNBC. All throughout the game. With no slowing down.)

One of the institute’s leading researchers, Timmy Howarde, formerly of Manchester and currently living somewhere in the United States, discovered that UNBC has a very high shots against total. Somewhere in the “this is more of a hockey game than soccer match” vicinity. In some recent UNBC games, the opposing team actually scored more than ten goals, which is like, a lot. In fact, it’s more points than the U of A football team usually scores. Howarde believes that there might exist a correlation between the number of shots against UNBC, and the saves made by the keeper. However, in normal university fashion, Howarde requires another $50,000 in research funding, intensive peer review and five years to verify the discoveries.

Last week, the Pandas amassed over 30 shots against Mount Royal. The Cougars were bottom-feeders, not unlike goldfish struggling to survive when someone transfers them into a new swimming bowl. UNBC isn’t much different than Mount Royal, only that the former is from British Columbia and thus probably smokes more green herb.

Though the game might end up 10-0, with the Pandas scoring a goal for every ten minutes, we can all take solace in one fact: UNBC’s keeper will finish the day atop the league in saves.

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