Walt “The Nose Hill Gentleman” Wawra: A Satirical Recounting of an Unfortunate Midsummer Incident | By Nikita-Kiran Singh

The Calgary Stampede was among the biggest events in Alberta this year, attracting significant attention from not only the province, but the rest of Canada as well. To everyone’s surprise, however, one of the most talked-about events revolved around a man named Walt Wawra. The Wanderer Online’s Nikita-Kiran Singh provides a satirical look back at the event that garnered significant Twitter buzz. 

Somebody, call the police!  Why, you might ponder?  Because somebody had the nerve to speak to Walt Wawra without being spoken to!

And now, you might ask: Who is Walt Wawra?

Well, he is only an integral member of the Kalamazoo, Michigan police force who happened to be in Calgary during the Stampede.  And whilst taking a lovely stroll through Nose Hill Park, he was accosted!

With words.

That’s right.  According to a letter written to the Calgary Herald by an understandably frazzled Mr. Wawra, “two young men approached my wife and me […] I suspect they did not have good intentions when they approached in such an aggressive, disrespectful and menacing manner.”  And what was the unwarrantedly perilous question with which these blasphemous fools threatened the darling Wawras?

“Been to the Stampede yet?”

The horror, the horror!  Everybody, lock your doors.  Because now, young Canadians have the gall to ask harrowing questions to unassuming tourists from the United States of America!

Now, I could not possibly omit the main complaint of Mr. Wawra’s letter.  That is, the complaint that Canadians are berserk for refusing to allow this sterling American citizen into the country without his gun.  Yes – his gun.

“Would we not expect a uniformed officer to pull his or her weapon to intercede in a life-or-death encounter to protect self, or another? Why then should the expectation be lower for a citizen of Canada or a visitor? Wait, I know – it’s because in Canada, only the criminals and the police carry handguns,” wrote Mr. Wawra.  And his words must be taken to heart!  Only an exceptionally dangerous encounter of this sort could possibly change the hearts of the mindless Canadian politicians plaguing our tourists today!

Fortunately, Mr. Wawra, a valiant steed, was able to ward off the evil-doers by intercepting them, declaring, “Gentle-men, I have no need to talk with you, good-bye.”  For some unfathomable reason, the ignorant imbeciles even “looked bewildered.”  But Mr. Wawra’s rare courage is not the only reason we should be thankful.  After all, Mr. Wawra himself revealed, “I thank the Lord Jesus Christ they did not pull a weapon of some sort, but rather concluded it was in their best interest to leave us alone.”

How relieving it is to learn that Mr. Wawra still has good sense and traditional values.

Now the public response to Mr. Wawra’s incredibly robust gesture has been less than kind, and astonishingly unfair.  Canadians have revealed the nasty and disgustingly judgmental side to their pretense of so-called friendliness by inciting a Twitter frenzy about the “Nose Hill Gentleman.”  Dave Chan tweeted, “A clerk at London Drugs asked me if I was having a nice day.  I think she might have wanted to stab me.”  An illogical Mr. Stuart Crawford attempted to use statistics to sway the masses, tweeting, “Fun Fact. Murders in 2010: Kalamazoo (Pop 74K) 14, Calgary (Pop 1.1M) 15.”  Taste, a Calgary restaurant, even wrote on its sandwich board, “Have you been to the Stampede yet?  Just kidding.  Don’t shoot me!”  And, most disturbing of all, some disloyal, unpatriotic buffoons from Detroit created an animated video reenactment of the scene!

And what did the irrational, anti-American Canadian public have to reveal about the villainous rascals who endangered the Wawras?

Well, according to Calgary Cultural Ambassador Jenn Lutz, those men were handing out free tickets to the Stampede.

How utterly reprehensible!  How could compassionate, peaceful Canadians not sympathize with poor Mr. Wawra, left guardless without his handgun on an unfortunate midsummer’s day?  It is clear that Mr. Wawra is the only proper individual in this mad debate, declaring, “What concerned me is two young men just approached us, stopping us by being in our path, and [began] talking to us without even being welcomed to talk to us. They just took it upon themselves to yell at us.”

And how dare they speak to the Wawras in broad daylight!  Those deranged maniacs should have instead taken it upon themselves to review Section Seven of the Canadian Charter of Rights and Freedoms, enshrining individuals’ rights to life, liberty and security of person!  And, the Canadian House of Commons must look up to the Second Amendment of the United States Constitution as an example, and immediately implement the right of individuals to bear their own firearms!

After all, had Mr. Wawra had his gun, this situation surely would have had a better outcome.

To read Mr. Wawra’s letter, visit the Calgary Herald: I guarantee the mental anguish to which he was subjected will leave your head whirling.

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