Welcome back for another week of questionable advice from your favorite juvenile delinquent! This week, I’m prepping to head out and do some field work (read: vacation) in preparation for a special publication happening in September. In the meantime, let me dazzle you with some Q&A magic.
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There’s this really cute girl at work who keeps giving me the look. I know she wants me to ask her out, but I’ve never dated a co-worker and I’m pretty sure it’s a bad idea. HELP! What do I do?
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Well Jim, your options look bleak. Dating a co-worker is like one of those choose-your-own-adventure books where all the ‘choices’ lead to you getting killed and having to restart at page one. Let me break it down for you:
1. You go on your first date and by some divine miracle all goes well. Your best bet here is to pull a Dharma & Greg and pop the question. You live happily ever after AND get to keep your job! No? Okay, proceed to page 2.
2. You’re now stuck in limbo. You date for a while; things seem to go well for a couple months. You sense a small rift in your relationship but convince yourself it’s nothing. She becomes more and more distant until you eventually walk into the copier room and see her naked with Jeff from accounting on top of the photocopier. Time to break up. Better get new toner while you’re at it. No? Page 3 is the page for you.
3. One of you quits the job to preserve the relationship. Let’s say it’s you Jim – what a Good Guy Greg thing to do! Remember, office women are pantsuit-wearing wolves and can smell weakness. She won’t respect you anymore but that isn’t all that much of a change in the first place. You’re also harbouring a grudge now whether you want to admit it or not. Pour all that resentment into something useful! Take up spin class or invent something we can all laugh about on American Inventor. Hey, at least you didn’t sell your home to finance your failed creation, right?
4. You can’t actually get to page 4, we just printed it out of spite. This is the path where things go well, people are mature and office relationships don’t have to ruin careers or lives. Now go back to page 1 and start over you big cheater.
My advice? Get a better job, get the girl & get a yacht.
Short & sweet, so I apologize for today’s brevity (not the first time I’ve said that…) Forging passports takes up a lot more time than I would have guessed and I keep running out of glue-stick and sparkle glitter. Today’s theme was ampersands. Give yourself 10 extra points if you caught that. Actually, give yourself 20 extra points for not having to look up what the hell I’m talking about and then go back to rearing children or whatever it is you old people do while drinking.
And remember, with great power comes great spandex and a theme song.
Send your questions off to firstname.lastname@example.org and you just might win your own trip to Puerto Vallarta. (Actually, that won’t happen, but Darren answering your questions is just as good for your cardio.)