We’re back with another round of Darren Tardif’s WOSA column, bringing you our much-anticipated Orientation edition.
My apologies for the extended hiatus. Okay, so I wasn’t actually on vacation as you might have guessed. It’s ok, therapy is the new holiday. My last break-up article was a little personal and I got called out on it.
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“Did your girlfriend just break-up with you? Do you hate her or something?”
– Perceptive internet tough girl
Looks like I’ve been caught. Yeah, I did just get broken up with. But it was for the best really. I hate that stupid old pick-up truck she never let me drive. She’s a redneck heart break who’s really bad at lying. You know what? As far as I’m concerned, she’s just another picture to burn. But on the bright side, this upcoming week is a new beginning! With fresh opportunity comes a special University of Alberta campus edition of WOSA to commemorate the start of orientation. Whether you’re an OL looking for love, or you’re fresh meat… err… new to campus and looking for someone to show you the ropes, get ready to get learned. Schooled. Whatever.
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There is this really cute girl in my orientation group, and she’s totally hitting on me. The only problem is I’m an orientation leader and we’re not allowed to ask out our delegates. What do I do?
– Every O.L. ever
Dear O.L. (which stands for Obviously Lying, but I’ll humour you anyway),
Being an orientation leader imbues one with a mysterious and intense power over other human souls. With great power comes great responsibility (and spandex) so don’t abuse it. You’ve been designated an orientation leader for a reason, so check your ego and hang your libido at the sign-in tent. You have chants to teach and facts to recite and you can’t lose your focus or your rival faculty will walk all over you. One minute you’re flirting with `Cheryl with a tongue ring` from Bonnyville, the next you’re watching in horror as your group spews an embarrassing jumble of verbal feces. Science pants, anyone? If you really want to take things to the next level, slip your number into her pocket once the day is over and you’ve relinquished your majestical OL powers. Orientation is like prison, there’s always a reach-around. Work-around. Sorry, still getting the tequila out of my system.
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I’m a first year from out of town, and I didn’t want to live in the [cesspool that is] Lister Hall. My only other option left me stuck living with my aunt and her seven cats. Now the only female attention I get is a not-so-subtle leg rub when Cocoa wants some tuna or something. I need a woman in my life stat! Where is the best place to meet girls on campus?
– Chased by the wrong tail
You’re in luck, because U of A is teeming with attractive women and rife with opportunities to meet them. Here are some options for you to get your head in the game.
I know what you’re going to say, orientation is for keeners and engineers. True. But that doesn’t change the fact that about 50% of the attendees are going to be female. Try finding a bar on a Friday night with that kind of ratio. You also have a couple of factors working in your favour. The excitement of campus tours and “fun-facts” are proven to be potent aphrodisiacs. Plus, the girls here are leaving home – many for the first time. They are lost, emotionally charged and potentially looking for a surrogate father-figure. Play your cards right and you just might be called ‘daddy’ sooner than anticipated.
Don’t be fooled by the name, second floor Cameron is where the party’s at. If you want to meet a first-year girl, Cameron is prime. Just make sure to invite all your friends along for the ride because no one likes to party alone. Make a ton of noise to alert members of the opposite sex to your presence. Your courtship ritual is now complete. Get ready to experience some National Geographic magic from the comfort of campus. In moments, you will be surrounded by chatty freshman girls looking for potential mates! Just make sure to avoid the flying textbooks and icy glares. Second years are such prudes.
N.B. Your sex appeal rises drastically the closer you are to mid-term season. Everyone loves a little stress-release sesh between bouts of studying.
If I got drunk and accidentally took the sketch train all the way to rape town, I’d probably wake up in the bathroom of the strat. If that’s your thing, the girls here are sure to please. Increase your sex appeal to astronomical levels by proving you’re a true man with guts of steel – take the pickled egg challenge. A couple of dollar beer and knife-fights later and you’ll be able to pick up any girl still left in the place. Just make sure to lift with the legs; back injuries really put a damper on your sex life.
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Last semester I really dropped the ball. There was this super cute guy in one of my classes but I never worked up the courage to talk to him. I just had no idea what to say. Now it’s likely that I’ll never see him again. I feel so sheepish and want to make sure this never happens again! What are some tips to approaching guys in the classroom setting?
– Sheepishly still single
Triple S, talking to guys is easy so you have nothing to fear. Honestly, most gents would be happy just to get some female interaction in their day. If you’re stuck for conversation topics, just ask to borrow a pen, piece of paper, or lock of hair for a love potion. If you really want to get gutsy, ask to borrow a piece of paper AND a pen, write down your number and pass it back to your target before walking away. Guys love that weird ‘catch me if you can’ attitude. It appeals to our inner caveman – we’re no longer out chasing our meals so we gotta chase something.
On the other hand, guys are lazy. You could always try a more direct approach. Tell him he’s the man of your dreams, and that he owes you a sandwich from last night. Wink conspicuously to allow him time to process. This is like a shotgun of sex appeal, and he should be all over it, and you, faster than Chad proposing to Avril. If he doesn’t get it, just explain to him that sex is a race and the loser has to make the winner a sandwich. Check and mate. See what I did there?
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Well, there you have it folks. I’d love to stay and answer all 404 questions I received the past two weeks, but Al Gore has informed me that the internet only has so many tubes and I can’t use ‘em all up. Contact me at firstname.lastname@example.org, or on my Dreamphone1. If the line is busy, it’s that creepy guy who won’t tell me his name, but thinks I’m cute and wants to take me to the mall.
1 – http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BVary7lyBq0