Wanderer Online Sex Advice: Sexy, Sexy Undisclosed Secrets | By Chloe

Up until now, The Wanderer Online has featured one weekly sex and relationship advice column from Darren Tardif. Today, we double that number, through the addition of a new writer to the mix: Chloe. 

Hey Chloe,

All of my friends except for me lived in rez first year. They hooked up with so many guys. Me on the other hand… I wasn’t as lucky. I don’t want to be lonely this year but I never meet any guys in class. Help?

Pent Up

* * * * *

Hey Pent Up,

As a fellow non-Listerite, I feel your pain. When you’re commuting straight home from school everyday, it’s hard to connect with someone long enough to have a decent conversation, let alone set up a good Quad-bushes boning after class—I mean, not that I’ve ever done that. Anyways, most of the guys that approach me on campus are either mentally unstable or aggressively trying to hand me The Metro. More often than not, it’s a combination of the two.

That being said, meaningful male interaction at the U of A seems to be pretty scarce most of the time. To make matters worse, nothing makes you feel like an ovary-less troll lady than sitting in Rutherford North while your friends are bathing in STIs in rez every weekend. But fret not, Pent Up (and all my other sisters in single solidarity), I am here to help.

But first thing’s first: try to keep it in your pants, ladies. This is probably not what you want me to start my advice with, but this is Orientation Week, after all. What I mean here is that you need to become familiar with the fine art of scoping. Take the first week of school to start narrowing down your field of interest and looking in the right places before you go in for the kill, so to speak. Once you have a comfortable field of prowling established, you’ll be much more confident to strike up conversation—or something more—with a hottie, rather than wallowing in solitude for the rest of the semester.

Because I care, Pent Up, I have created a stellar (and ridiculously generalized) list of the prime scoping locations for the best male specimen across campus. You can thank me later.

Butterdome and Van Vliet: Aight. I thought I’d cover this one first because it seems to be the typical “hot guy” location. I want to warn you not to spend valuable scoping time here. When you first think about the Butterdome, it sounds great: athletic dudes lifting and bending in tight pants that flatter all the right places, right? Wrong. In my experience, the athletic centres at the U of A are the Mecca of douchebags, pit stains, and my mortal arch-nemesis: sweatpants. If you haven’t noticed already, this strange clothing choice leaves unsuspecting jocks’ schlongs visible to every Tom, Dick, and Harry (ahem) in near proximity. And I don’t know about you, but I’m not really a breakfast person, nor do I enjoy a huge sausage sitting within eyeshot before 10am. Gross.

HUB: Let me just put it out there: I’m not above playing non-committal eye tag. Especially during the ten-minute break between classes, the narrow walkways seem to be a catch-all for guys and girls alike from all faculties. When people are speedwalking past you to get to their next class, it is easy to briefly connect without having to freak out about having to make conversation or worry about looking creepy staring from the other side of the room. Okay, so this might not be the ideal location if you plan on chatting up randoms, but treating yourself to a little bit of eye candy between classes is nothing to be ashamed of.

Business-Tory Atrium: I’m not sure if there’s some required dress code or something, but there be fancy boys up in hurr. Needless to say, there’s enough murses and business attire in this stretch of walkway to give Don Draper a hard-on. The only problem here is that the atrium is pretty dead during class, so you’re going to have to hang around a bit if you want to lay your eyes on the prime real estate.

Engineering Buildings (ETLC, NREF, ECERF): If the U of A is a desert, then the engineering buildings are the effing Promised Land, baby. As the most male-dominated and stereotypically brainy faculty, the engineering buildings are teeming with the same guys that were afraid to talk to you during AP Calculus and hung out underneath the stairs in high school. The catch is, though, that these boy geniuses have grown taller, sprouted a bit of facial hair, and packed on some solid pounds of muscle weight since you’ve last seen them. That being said, many of them still haven’t figured out that they’re sexy as hell yet. I don’t know about you, but I don’t think there’s anything more endearing than a guy who’s actually flattered to be speaking to me. Better yet, females are generally few and far between in these buildings, and most guys here will genuinely appreciate the presence of estrogen in their study caverns. So even if you aren’t in it for yourself, be a Good Samaritan to a lonely engineer and make an appearance in their stomping grounds.

There you have it. I really hope none of this has spurred you to spend your whole semester hiding behind shrubs and whispering song lyrics to attractive strangers. That shit is really really cray and it probably won’t get you laid, trust me.

Rather, take this as a challenge. Take some time out of your schedule to start looking in places that you haven’t checked out before, and use the key tool of scoping as a gateway for discussion. You’ll probably realize that there are tons of awesome people around if you just open your eyes. You might make a new friend. Hell, you might just want to try out the study carrels in Rutherford North — they’re deceivingly spacious. But you didn’t here that from me.

In the initial version of this article, reference was twice made to having sex in teepees. The Wanderer Online amended this version, removing the references. We apologize about making these references in the initial article, and though the references were not meant to offend, we recognize that they can be quite damaging and thus counterproductive to our aim of building community within the university and city. We’ll make sure that this doesn’t happen again, and strive to better-educate ourselves about aboriginal issues. Once again, we’re sorry about this, and we really value your continued readership. 

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  • What The Fuck

    “it’s hard to connect with someone long enough to have a decent conversation, let alone set up a good Quad-teepee boning after class”

    Uh, I don’t know about other people, but I find that statement really offensive. Teepee boning? Like, what the fuck? Why did you think it was a good idea to suggest people should have sex inside what I see as a really sacred and important space? That’s rather disrespectful. You should take it down and apologize.