What Grinds My Rice Cakes: The World According to Dave Hoon | Edition #1

Disclaimer: Though the following reading will leave your abs hurting from laughter, you may also find the material offensive. You have been warned. 

Hello there, my name is Dave Hoon. I am your typical average 23 year-old white-washed Asian. What does that mean exactly? It means my parents are super strict immigrants who yell at me with the windows open so everyone in the crescent can hear. I don’t get straight As like most of the international Asian students; I prefer using a fork instead of chopsticks; I don’t drive a dinky Honda civic (I drive a man’s car, a 2001 Ford Taurus that I named Torrie. Can you have sex in a Honda civic? I don’t think so!) and I have no clue what’s good on the menu at any of the dim sum or sushi restaurants. Basically what I’m saying is, I’m the complete opposite of everything you think an Asian should be. That’s me. I’m also a hopeless romantic who loves doing cute things for girls, like writing them poems: “Roses are red, my name is Dave, I think you’re hot and this poem makes no sense. Microwave.”

Oh yeah, I’m also a famous Facebook blogger and I’ve been so kindly invited to share my beautiful creative art and write for The Wanderer Online.

So I would like to welcome everyone to: “What Grinds my Rice Cakes – The World According to Dave Hoon”. The title is self-explanatory. I write about things that grind my rice cakes. Topics such as: When Sex Goes Bad with Your Friends with Benefits; The Difficulties of Studying in The Library When The Girl Sitting Beside You is Wearing a Low Cut Shirt; and NO ONE GIVES A SHIT ABOUT YOUR GPA, SO STOP TELLING EVERYONE!

I have decided that today’s topic will be: Hypersensitivity – People With Feelings Softer than Soft-Serve Ice Cream.

I feel that people get offended way too easily nowadays. You can’t say anything without getting someone completely upset. If you say things like “Asians like to study”, there will be some idiot who will confront you breathing heavily like he just ran up a flight of stairs, all red in the face and say, “Hey! Whoa man! What’s your problem?! That’s a very ignorant thing to say. Are you a racist?”

Or you’ll be at a pub with your bros on wing night, checking out these girls and one of you will say, “I dunno man… I think she’s ugly” and all of a sudden some random girl from a completely different table (who has no relation to this ugly chick) somehow overheard that comment and will come up to you and say: “Oh my gosh! What did you just say? You’re a fucking asshole. Go punch yourself in the dick!” HUH?! I don’t understand. How did we become so soft?

You even have to be careful what you post on Facebook and Twitter! People can get the wrong idea. Posting/tweeting things like:

– “I love you like a fat kid love cake” = you don’t like fat people

– “I don’t understand girls” = you’re a sexist

– “I hate people who instagram their pumpkin spice lattes!” = you don’t like white

– “I’m so sad Oil City shut down ☹” = you are either a 25 year-old pervert or a 17 year-old girl

– “Nickelback is such a good band” = … you actually need to get your life figured out (this is no joke)

It’s always the same smart ass trying to sound super smart and politically correct that gets “offended”. If it’s a guy that’s offended, he is probably a pansy who needs to put down the Justin Bieber blow-up doll and man-up. If it’s a girl that gets offended, she needs to stop attending her feminist meetings and develop tougher ovaries. My point is, chill the fuck out! Go be offended somewhere else like at a taping of Maury. If you’re so uptight about everything, my advice to you is to go get a slurpee or eat an ice cream sandwich.

If this blog offended you, I hope your computer monitor blows up in your face and burns your eyebrows off.

If you have something mean you would like to say to me, follow me on twitter @dave50YENhoon or add me on Facebook.

Have a good weekend everyone!

Warmest Regards,

50 YEN

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  • Annoyed

    It’s crap articles like these that are absolutely ruining the Wanderer for me.

    • ^Ditto

      I am inclined to agree. Some quality control would be good

      • CHILL OUT

        You must be a Nickelback fan…

        • DITTO

          Or, just someone not impressed with the topic, or lack thereof

  • Annoyed with “Annoeyed”

    Hey Annoyed, are you one of those people who hates jokes and/or the type of person that loves to ruin fun for everybody else at a party if you aren’t having a good time yourself? If so, I think you may need a hug. Lighten up.

  • Jeff Butler

    Pure brilliance Dave!

  • Kendall

    The difficulty that I have with this post is that it’s actually not offensive enough.

    I’ve been told that it’s supposed to be a satire, but that wasn’t clear to me the first time I read it. Satires are supposed to be over the top. If you’re making fun of someone’s level 4 nonsense, the satire needs to convey convey level 8 nonsense. Otherwise you’re no different than the thing you’re trying to satirize. Sometimes the sentiments actually came across as genuine and real — not exactly what you’re going for when you write a satire, you know?

    Then there was the question of exactly what it was satirizing. I can take the blame for this one, but there were way too many possibilities for me to keep straight.
    Was this a satire about Asian-Canadians and internalized racism*? Was this a satire of ignorant trolls who don’t get why people “can’t take a joke”? Was this a satire of misogynist “men’s-rights” morons who haven’t read a single sentence written by a feminist author in their lives, yet bash feminism at every chance they get? Or maybe it’s a satire of heteronormativity? Ignorant ass holes in general? Soft ice cream lovers? Who knows?

    [*]For you non-sociologists out there, I’m referring to the subconscious, and sometimes conscious, absorption and endorsement of white supremacist ideals by racialized peoples often manifested in stuff like the very frightening, (and just plain weird) double eyelid surgery.

  • “50 Yen” is epic!

  • relax

    Kendall scares me

  • Juridico

    The show-no-mercy / aim-to-be-offensive isn’t really my style of comedy, but there are moments in here that display a genuine wit at work. Right now, your jokes feel haphazard and one-linery (which makes them perfectly suited for a twitter feed). I think you could excel at blogging too if you (and this will sound strange) tell less jokes. This is really to say spend more time on each joke: if you stay focused on specifics motifs and try to flesh-out their full stories, you can make a smaller number of laughs read with bigger impact.

    Thanks for you work!

  • Mia

    Honestly I see where you were kind of going with this but it’s pretty scattered and I have seen the microwave poem many times before and on the chive….