Welcome everyone to the second edition of “What Grinds my Rice Cakes – The World According to Dave Hoon.” This week’s topic is: People Drinking Too Much Complainerade and Not Enough Shut up Juice.
Let’s get one thing perfectly clear. Everyone is a complainer, myself included. It’s human nature; it’s what we do. Even the nicest people we know, deep down, are complainers too. We all have things that grind our rice cakes. Things that just absolutely cheese us off! You hear it everyday mostly from your friends. Your friend is complaining to you that her boyfriend is a giant douche because he would rather play video games than watch Grey’s Anatomy. Your other friend is complaining that he’s afraid to sleep because he heard his parents getting it on last night. If you could count how many complaints you heard in a day, it would probably be more than the number of calories in McDonald’s Big Mac.
There are different two different kinds of complaining. There is what I like to call the valid complaints. You may possibly complain that the line-up to get your coffee in CAB is longer than the Great Wall of China and you’re stuck behind these two first-year girls talking like Taylor Swift: “Like we are never ever ever ever getting back together! Like ever!” Perhaps you’re about to get laid but for whatever reason, no matter how hard you try, her bra just won’t come off (it’s a very scary feeling when that happens. It’s the same feeling you get when you don’t know the answer to a final exam question. You just feel lost). Or how the toilet paper at school feels like sandpaper and is such low quality that it just disintegrates in your hand as soon as you touch it. These are all valid complaints.
However, there are also the shut the fuck up complaints. These are the people who actually make a solid effort to go out of their way to complain about anything. Given the opportunity, they will sound off louder than girls watching The Bachelor. Don’t get me wrong, everyone is entitled to their opinion. But we can’t forget that there is something called a “stupid opinion.” Like for instance, do you remember in your first-year English class, there’d always be that kid sitting in the front who needed to answer every question and tell the class exactly how he/she felt about every short story? Unfortunately for us, because no one stuffed that kid in a locker like a pizza pop, that individual grew up thinking everyone wanted to hear his or her opinion on everything! And when you confront these characters, they’ll tell you in a smug tone “I speak my mind.” People who tell you this are the ones who probably ate too many glue sticks as a child.
Let’s take my blog from last week for example. I received feedback from some of the brightest individuals.
“Annoyed” writes: “It’s crap articles like these that are absolutely ruining the Wanderer for me.”
“Ditto” writes: “I am incline to agree. Some quality control would be good.”
So this is what you two think? Well, to be honest, I wipe a monkey’s ass with what you two think. I don’t like liver and onions. Therefore I’m not going to take the time out of my day to go find a liver and onion restaurant, order liver and onions and then tell the chef I hate his menu and that his food needs some quality control. How stupid would that be? Annoyed and Ditto, I suggest the 3 of us go for some drinks someday. My treat. I’ll order you two a nice tall glass of shut up juice. Actually no, I would rather drag my balls through shards of glass than spend 5 minutes with you two complainers.
So let’s all learn from Annoyed and Ditto, and let’s not complain about silly things like how your underwear is too tight or how you have no friends.
Stayed tuned for next week, “What Grinds my Rice Cakes – The World According to Dave Hoon: Thanksgiving Edition”
Have a safe weekend everyone!