Welcome! Welcome! Welcome back everyone! After 4 long weeks, finally “What Grinds My Rice Cakes – The World According to Dave Hoon” has come back to The Wanderer! I hope midterms went well for all the geekazoid nerdy kids and terribly for all the hipsters who spend too much time instagramming pictures of snow on trees. During my month-long hiatus many things have grinded my rice cakes such as the urinals at school suddenly flushing while you’re still going, causing unnecessary splashing all over your jeans or people who smell like sun dried garbage studying beside me in the library. But do you know what’s worse than haunted urinals and body odor? Getting friendzoned. For those of you who don’t know, getting friendzoned by someone means good luck in your future endeavors/don’t ask me out. Usually I would leave this stuff to my colleagues Darren Tardif and Gina Wicentowich who write about in weekly sex advice, but I figured that I’d give it a try just this once. This week’s topic is: Complications of Liking Someone.
Before I begin, let me remind everyone that I am writing from my male perspective (that’s why the title is called “The World According to Dave Hoon”). However, I’m pretty sure there are a bunch of bros out there who probably share similar thoughts and opinions as me but are smart enough to not share them. Anyways, I’m 99% sure that every guy has smoking hot lady friends. These are the girls whom in our guy brain, think are really attractive and beautiful BUT we are not allowed to make a move because unfortunately for us, these girls are our friends. The friendship has already been established and the friendship contract has already been in effect for quite some time. These can be girls we’ve known since junior high, or from a school group project together or simply just acquaintance. It’s worth noting that there are also the girls that we thought were hot at one time or another in our lives (maybe because it was Halloween or maybe because we were intoxicated) but we now scratch our heads in disbelief and say to ourselves “What the hell was I thinking!?” These girls don’t apply to this article.
Guys usually don’t have crushes on their lady friends. I have one smoking hot friend I’ve known since first year university that I met in Chemistry 101 (there was no love chemistry between us. Ha!). Every time my friends ever saw me walking with her on campus or outside of school, I would get interrogated and pummeled with questions:
• Whoa, who is that?! Good job big guy! You stepped up yo game! (insert high five, handshake or fist pump)
• She’s too hot for you! How much you paying her to hangout with you?
• You gonna make a move buddy? Because if you’re not gonna make a move, I’m gonna make one!
We’re just friends. She’s actually become one of my very good friends. She’s always there for me when I want to make other girls jealous. My point is guys don’t ask out friends because that’s just weird… I tried asking her out on Valentine’s Day once… or twice. One year I asked her what time I should pick her up for our Valentine’s Day date and she said “Maybe at like NEVER.” There’s no complication here. Friends for life!
However the complication lies when the guy is unsure whether or not he is actually friends with the hot lady “friend”. This can cause a problem… as it did for me. I’ve always wanted to tell one of my life misfortunes as a narrative story. Here it goes:
Once upon a time there was a boy named David. He was a strong and handsome young man with a six-pack of tight abdomens. He was 160 lbs of muscle, steal and sex appeal. He was also an aspiring European underwear model. One night he was sitting on the bus home with a super hot acquaintance he didn’t really know too well. David being the charming lady’s man that he is starts a conversation with her. No problem. Super hot acquaintance offers to drive little David home from the bus station and later that night she got David’s number from a mutual friend. That never happens in real life! Then they start texting everyday and they start studying lots together. David decides to make move on super hot acquaintance by asking her out to dinner and a movie, which always implies date. She replies, “Dinner and a movie for what?”. Boom! Friendzoned. Ouch! Bam! Man down! Morning after getting friendzoned, David is waiting for the bus and guess who happens to drive by. Super hot acquaintance girl. She offers to drive him to school. David decides to take the bus instead. The end.
Moral of this story is for the gentlemen: make sure you don’t wait a month and a half to make a move. Check your pants. If you see testicles, use them! Be assertive! Remember, the longer you stay in friendzone, the longer it is to get out. Girls, remember guys are dumb. Sometimes we are completely oblivious that you even put us in the friendzone. Write it on a sticky note or something. Oh one more thing, if you’re going to tell a guy he’s such a good friend after he asks you out, you might as well just kick him square in the balls instead.
Nevermind, I think the moral of the story is to just be friends with ugly chicks. Problem solved.
Have a great long weekend everyone!