What Grinds My Rice Cakes – The World According to Dave Hoon | Social Media

Good morning friends! Another Friday means another edition of your favorite Friday blog “What Grinds My Rice Cakes – The World According to Dave Hoon”. Final exams are just around the corner, which means everyone’s level of happiness will soon hit rock bottom and campus will become a cold communal hell. It’s the time of year where you begin to see more white people in the library. I don’t know if this is true for all Caucasian students, but my white friends always challenge themselves by attempting to outlast or outstudy the Asians. Their goal is to be the very last ones to leave the library. HA! The closest they’ve ever gotten was being the only white people left in the library. Since everyone will be cranking up the study time, study breaks will soon become a luxurious treat. You know when you’ve been studying for a few solid hours, and your brain suddenly just needs a little mental break? Therefore you treat yourself to a “few” minutes on Facebook, Twitter or Instagram. Well I don’t know about you guys, but I can no longer enjoy my social media breaks because my newsfeed is always jam-packed with stupid shit. It’s like a baby vomited all over my computer screen. So here is Dave Hoon’s Top 10 Most Hated People on Social Media.

10) The Harry Potter Die Hard: I’ll be scrolling and it will come to my attention that some idiot updated his profile information. It will say, “Victor added Quidditch to his favorite sports” or “Victor just added Hogwarts to his education” or “Victor is now in a complicated relationship with Professor Snape”. Are you fucking kidding me?

9) The Stressed Student: This is the student who makes all their statuses about school. “OMG! SO SCREWED FOR MUSIC 101 MIDTERM” or “SIGH! I guess procrastinating wasn’t such a good idea after all. LOL!” or “Can someone please write my 1000 word essay for me! Life is so unfair!” To top it all off, they find it necessary to take pictures of their notes or of all their textbooks scattered around to show how hard they’ve been studying. Nevertheless these people always redeem themselves with statuses like this one: “WAH! Just failed my exam”. HA! That’s karma for being annoying.

9) The Foodie: These people always post pictures of their lattes, their burnt burger, a half eaten ham and cheese sandwich, a breadcrumb, chocolate that has fallen on the floor, leftover meatloaf from last night, two timbits that are attached to each other, basically any food imaginable. Here’s the kicker: in the description they will tell you what the picture is! So let’s say the person took a picture of a potato chip. They will write “Potato Chip!” and then follow it up with an “om nom nom nom!” or “mmmmmm… so good”. Quite the food connoisseurs we have nowadays. Real friends don’t let friends take pictures of food.

8)8) The Animal Lover: All their pictures are of their pet, usually dog or cat. These people think it’s a good idea to post multiple YouTube links of cats playing pianos or dogs barking when the mailman comes. These people are usually single.

7) The Self Portrait Shirtless Party Bro: The bro who thinks it’s okay to post multiple pictures of himself shirtless at the beach, gym and/or in his washroom. And if this bro is really adventurous he will take a zoomed picture of his bicep. This same bro is polluting your newsfeed with statuses such as: “Hittin’ the gym, then hittin’ da club” or “I’m so sore from the gym last night. Hard work. Gym is life.” or “Just drank my protein shake, now it’s time to kick the gym’s ass”. Cool story bro.

6) Hot Chick Super Model Wannabe: Every guy loves attractive girls. They are candy for the eyes. In general, most guys have a bunch of smoking hot female acquaintances who are completely out of their league so the pictures they post are the closest thing they’ll ever get to being with a super hot chick. However some girls overdo it! They only take pictures of themselves doing stupid duck lips. I’ll go to the lake if I want to look at ducks thank you very much.

5) The Storyteller: These are the people who have to update everyone on what they are doing 24-7.

-“Yawn. Just woke up. Good morning world!”
-“Time to brush my teeth! Take that gingivitis!”
-“I have a date with Snap, Crackle and Pop! Rice Crispies for breakfast!”
-“I almost missed the bus! Good thing I didn’t eat too much for breakfast!”
-“What time is it? School time! Horray for my brain!”
-“Had a great day at school today! Back at it tomorrow!”

Sigh.

4) The Weatherman: These people who will post a bachillion pictures after a blizzard: snow on cars, snow on trees, even snow on snow. Then they state the obvious “OMG! THERE IS SO MUCH SNOW!”. No shit.

3) The Person Who Loves Everything (usually girls): I love happy people, but there is a such thing as being too happy. “I love my team! We are awesome!” or “I love that it’s almost the holidays! So so so so so excited!” or “I lalala loooove my new boots”. Loving or annoying? You decide.

2) Debbie Downer (usually guys): The most negative people on the planet. They always post things like: “Fuck Mondays”, “Fuck school”, “Fuck Daylight Savings Time”, “Fuck Tuesdays”, “Fuck this entire week”, “I hate ice cream”. You know what? Stop being a bitch and shut the hell up!

1) Hipsters: Don’t even get me started on these people! You know that joke, “How much does a hipster weigh?”… An instagram. That is why I don’t use instagram. They post the most ridiculous pictures ever. Maybe they will take a picture of a blade of grass, or of their shoes. To them that is art. Fuck me.

If you belong in any of these categories mentioned above, re-evaluate your life.

Warm Regards,

50 YEN

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  • Spencer

    #11) Mr. Capitals- the forty year old friend you have who just got on social media and thinks that ALL CAPS IS THE ONLY WAY TO WRITE HIS STATUS- and whilst proceeding to use only abbreviations. This guy also tends to tread the awkward line between parent “MY KIDS R AWESUM I LUV U GUYS” and party animal “KIDS R AT GRAMAS TONITE- WE R GETTIN DRUNK 4 REAL”
    This guy is a real surprise bag when he comes up on your newsfeed, you just never know which way he is going to take it.