What Grinds My Rice Cakes – The World According to Dave Hoon | Thanksgiving Edition

TGIF friends! Happy Friday to everyone! Welcome to the third installment of “What Grinds My Rice Cakes – The World According to Dave Hoon”. Over this past summer, I got pretty good at sexting. For those of you who don’t know, “sexting” is when you text sexual messages or photos with your cell phone. A little word of caution, if the girl you are sexting is named Molly, make sure you’re actually sexting “Molly” and that you didn’t actually send those explicit sex messages to “Mommy”. Anyways, sexting is an art. It’s more way more than just:

Girl: What are you doing? wink

Boy: I am taking off my clothes right now babe!

Girl: Oh rly?

Boy: Yes. Shit! My parents are walking downstairs! Fuck! My zipper is stuck!

For some reason, my friends don’t believe that I’m a good sexter. That is why I decided to prove them wrong. Here is my adaptation of 50 Shades of Grey, Hoon style:

“I threw her on to the table, so innocent and bare. I was breathing really hard. I rubbed her here and there. I gently touched her neck and her voluptuous breasts, then I moved on to her thigh. Her slit was so wet and ready for me, I let out a blissful cry. Her hole was tight. I looked inside, it was dark and murky. I didn’t know what to say so I just let my hands and fingers do all the talking. After a few minutes she was finished. I too was satisfied for I had just stuffed the turkey”.

I figured since Thanksgiving is finally upon us, that it was appropriate. Thanksgiving is one of the best holidays because it’s so easy. There is really no stress involved. All you have to do is eat! My favorite part of Thanksgiving is the pie! Who doesn’t like pie?! There’s apple pie, pumpkin pie, and my all time favorite, poon tang pie! But it’s important to remember that Thanksgiving is more about food; it’s about being thankful! For example, I am thankful my house has yet to explode into a ball of fire because my dad thinks it’s okay to barbeque turkey inside our garage every year.

There are also annoying parts that come with Thanksgiving. Every year, white people always ask me “Dave, do you and your family celebrate Thanksgiving? What do you guys cook?” What a fucking stupid question. No, I don’t eat ham or turkey, I eat dog and goat penis. Another downfall about Thanksgiving (if you are a white-washed Asian like me, you’ll understand) is having to listen to your relatives talk at twice the necessary volume in a foreign language to pass the rice or mash potatoes (yes we eat mash potatoes too).

This got me thinking. If there is a holiday for being thankful, why is there not a holiday where we can celebrate all the things and people we are not thankful for? We can call it ThanksIDontGiveAShit Day. I have compiled a short list:

1. Vegetarians who demand to eat tofurkey instead of turkey. Tofurkey is the biggest “fuck you” to Thanksgiving. Definitely not acceptable! That is why I will never ever date a vegetarian. I never took a history class but I’m pretty sure the turkey saved Christopher Columbus from Voldemort and that’s why we eat turkey! I don’t see tofurkey saving anyone!

2. Studying during Thanksgiving. Fuck that. Let’s all be honest with ourselves here. We all say “I’m going to study all Thanksgiving”. What a load of monkey shit. That is not going happen. Thanksgiving is the time where pregnancies skyrocket, because every female and male becomes pregnant with food babies. There is no time to study for midterms! Eating is priority. If your jean button has not popped off or if you have not passed out from a tryptophan overdose, you have failed Thanksgiving!

3. Free loaders/Moochers/Leachers. This is a very broad category that expands further than Thanksgiving, but here are some examples. i) When everyone in the family is asked to bring a dish, but there is always that one set of relatives who come without making fuck all. ii) That girl who only talks to you because she knows you wrote the midterm before she did and wants to know what’s on it. iii) When one of your bros continues to leach women from you because he has less social skills than a mailbox. He will tell you “Well you only kind of liked her, whereas I REALLY like her. I felt this instant spark between us”. Oh gag! He’ll say this after he’s met the girl once or twice. I’d much rather go through a 100 page photo album of girls doing duck lips than hear hot garbage about sparks. Find your own girls! Or leach girls off some dating website for men whose testicles are the size of raisins and are too afraid to meet girls on their own.

So you are probably thinking that I am more ungrateful dick than grateful… You’re probably right. However, I am thankful for all the silly stupid comments left for me every week by morons saying that my blog is pointless, too offensive, all over the place, bitch, moan, complain, etc., etc. This kind of feedback makes me giggle. Nonetheless these idiots are absolutely right, but they keep on forgetting that the blog is strictly entertainment. It is not meant to cure a disease, solve world hunger or get an A+ from an English professor. It’s just for fun. But “thanks” for your opinions!

Happy Thanksgiving or Happy ThanksIDontGiveAShit Day!

Have fun, eat lots, be safe, study hard!

Warmest Regards,

50 YEN.

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  • Ditto

    Hey, here we go. This is good, it’s witty. I love this article. Much better than the first two