What Grinds My Rice Cakes: The World According to Dave Hoon | Valentine’s Edition

Can you smell it? Can you feel it? Close your eyes and take a deep breath. Inhale. Love is in the air my friends. It’s Valentine’s Day. There are so many things wrong with Valentine’s Day it really grinds my rice cakes. It’s not because I asked the same girl three years in a row to be my Valentine’s date and got shut down every time (she’ll run out of excuses and say yes someday! I know she will!). It’s because everything about it gives me the same feeling as when I hop off a rollercoaster and eat bad tacos.

The symbols of February 14 shouldn’t be hearts and cupids; they should simply be a giant jar of Gravol. Lots of couples start acting weird. It’s the time of year where couples take countless pictures of themselves doing cute things together, feeling the need to show the world that they are adorable. Pictures of them holding hands, kissing, hugging, eating, breathing, looking at each other with stupid love-goggled faces. I can go on forever. All I can say is I can’t wait for these couples to break up!

With all these couples, I know heaps of single people out there. There are different kinds of single people. There are the single people who could wipe a monkey’s buttocks with Valentine’s Day and you could not pay them to care about relationships. They are happy to be single and wouldn’t want it any other way for the time being. To them, today is Thursday! I applaud these people! That’s the way every single person should be!

Unfortunately, that’s not how the world is. It’s most of the single people who make me nauseous, even more so than the couples. There are the single people who are constantly bummed-out and complain that they can’t find anyone on Valentine’s Day. Well maybe if you put the chicken nuggets down and hit the gym things will be a little different. Or maybe if you moved out of your parents’ basement it would be easier to bring someone home for a little bow chica bow wow. These are the people who I’m sure if they made a few minor changes in their life, would be in healthy relationships eating heart-shaped pizza.

There are also the single individuals (mostly the guys) who try way too hard to impress the ladies. Some single people work way too hard on their appearance. Some like to tell the worst jokes. Some like to talk non-stop. If you give these single people the slightest opportunity to talk about themselves, they will take it and run. You are stuck for a good ten to fifteen minutes (if you’re lucky) listening to stories about family, trips or accomplishments. These are the situations where you wish your phone had an app that would create an instant food allergy, making your face super puffy, frightening “the talker” away and freeing yourself! My point is there are just too many single people failing and they could use a little help.

I’m not going to lie. I’m no expert with the ladies. Hitting on girls will always be a foreign concept to me. You know that feeling when you go to a Chinese restaurant and you have absolutely no idea what any of the food is because you can’t read the Chinese menu and you ask the Chinese waitress for assistance but don’t understand anything she says so you just nod in approval and hope for the best? That’s me when I attempt to flirt with girls. I’m pretty sure there are standard instructions on how to do it properly… that I do not know. But I’m a firm believer of “you get what you pay for.” So if you get free advice, it’s probably not going to be that good.

So everyone has told you “just be yourself.” What a load of brown bananas! If you’re uncool and collect stamps as a hobby, that’s not going to impress any girls (well maybe the old grandmas in the retirement home). If you’re blander than tofu and oatmeal, then you’ll be spending Valentine’s Day alone for a very long time. If you’re single and find that being yourself scares the girls away, change yourself before you wreck yourself!

My advice to increasing your chances scoring a date with a girl (it’s good advice because it’s not free! I’ve had to spend so much money on girls to learn what I’m about to tell you):

– “Super duper nice guys finish last” (notice how I said super duper). Don’t be her servant. Be nice and sweet but don’t lose your mancard. You don’t need to open EVERY single door for her.

– Play hard to get (a little): Don’t be too available or else there is no challenge. That’s just no fun for the girl. Don’t tell her you cleared up your entire monthly calendar just to hang out with her. However, don’t play too hard to get or else she will think you are not interested. You’ll shoot yourself in the foot. Oh yeah, don’t make plans with her and cancel the day of, thinking you will gain leverage…

– Instantly replying to her short texts with essays is a no-no. And don’t be too up-front and horny with your texts. Don’t text things like “I want to wish you a Happy Valentine’s Day but unless this text is going to finally get you naked, I hate to admit my heart’s not really in it.”

– Hygiene is very important. Not smelling like sundried garbage and not showering yourself with American Eagle cologne will give you bonus points!

– Dress appropriately. Do your hair, but don’t gel it like a porcupine. Wear nice clothes… you know… clothes that fit! If you can’t fit into your t-shirt or if you can raise a family inside your shirt, it’s either too small or too big. Wear nice shoes. If you’re always wearing runners that you see the majority of engineer students wearing or runners you see nurses wearing in the hospital, it’s time to go shopping!

– Having a nice car is an asset! I drive a grandma car… I’m not getting too many looks my way these days.

– Size does matter! Whoever told you size doesn’t matter is a liar liar and his pants are on fire! Lots of girls don’t want to date boys who are shorter than them. So gentlemen, keep drinking jugs of milk and stretch daily! I’m just kidding, that won’t do anything. If you’re a short guy, then I’m sorry. You did not kick puberty’s ass. You lost.

– And finally, be yourself… only if girls can tolerate you.

Well I hope my tips will help more single people find love so this time next year, they’ll be having healthy Valentine’s Day sex!
Happy Valentine’s Day!

Much Love,
50 YEN

– Oh yeah, one more thing: don’t approach a girl when she’s with her girlfriends and offer to buy her a drink… then you have to buy her entire entourage a beverage! And as soon as they get their drinks, they all leave and talk to some other guys. That mistake cost me $50! (Expensive advice!)

CC photograph courtesy of atmtx on Flickr.

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