When Dating Gets Serious: Wanderer Online Sex Advice | By Darren Tardif

Welcome back! This week might get a little weird – I’m still hopped-up on cough meds. I went into the drug cabinet and played Russian roulette with all the boxes. Actually, I went more Hungry, Hungry Hippos on that shit, and now I can’t feel my legs. But hey, at least that dreadful cough is gone! This week’s edition of Wanderer Online Sex Advice features a very important topic, so get ready for an introductory course that won’t cost $500. Bonus marks for heading over to ‘Rate My Prof’ and giving me a red chili pepper. Note my average score of 5 for easiness *WINK WINK.*

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 I’ve recently been hanging out with this girl, and I’m worried that we’re on a different page. We’ve gone on a bunch of dates, nothing too extravagant. All of a sudden, she wants me to meet her parents! I didn’t even think we were official, but now she seems to think we’re meant to be. I just want to know when do girls think a casual dating relationship turns into a serious one?

I love this question so much that I’m going to expand it. After doing a crazy amount of research (aka reading forever alone MS paint comics) I’ve developed a very complex rubric for determining the possibility that the person you are ‘seeing’ believes you are in a relationship.

If I had ESPN, I could tell what she was thinking…

We never see this coming. Three dates in and you think it’s still fair to hit on her sister. Next thing you know, you wake up in the morning and she’s calling you from your mom’s house. They’re having breakfast and would love for you to join them. When does the shift happen? When are you actually dating?

He’s just not not that into you

What about guys? Guys are simple creatures most of the time, but we can get quite frustrating when it comes to matters of the heart. Our general inability to express our own feelings mixes with an instinctual avoidance of emotional conflict to create a deliciously frustrating cocktail of poor communication and good intentions. Sometimes things work out, and like a good fairy tale, you just know. For those other times, it usually isn’t too hard to figure out. Rarely, you’ll have no answer to the question ‘Does he think we’re actually dating?’ Fear not! I’ll copy every Cosmo Magazine ever and do a quiz!

Answer each question to the best of your ability. If you don’t know, just say pass. It’s graded on a curve anyway.

1. Your guy is on the phone. He says:

a) Hey [your name here] we should go bowling on Friday night!

b) Hey hun, I picked up the rest of the stuff on your grocery list. Do you need anything from Shoppers?

c) Domino’s pizza… Ma’am, if you don’t stop calling me I’m calling the police.

 

2. Your last date was:

a) A movie out at the theatre

b) A romantic evening in complete with chocolate and roses

c) Changing in his room while you and your binoculars were perched in a tree outside his window

 

3. You catch your guy flirting with another girl. You immediately:

a) Do nothing. We haven’t officially labelled it yet

b) Get a little upset, but wait to address it later

c) Light his hair on fire while calling him a cheating bastard and quoting Taylor Swift lyrics

 

Lightning Round

Has he met your pet? +5 points unless you own seven cats and smell like pee

Your family? +10 points, actually you’re probably dating at this point

Does he call your name in bed? +5 points

Your full name? -15 points and how did he learn your middle name?

Your mom’s name? -20 points and at least 20 years of therapy

Does he hold your hand in public? +2 points

Kiss you in public? +5 points

Grab your boobs and make honking noises in public? -10 points anywhere, that shit is so 2009

Does he make you breakfast? +2 points

In bed? +5 points

Why is there a stove inside your bed? -10 points, or +10 points if you’re banging a fire marshal. Safety first!

For every A you answered, give yourself half a point. For every B, take 6 points because arbitrary numbers are fun and exciting! For every C, you might want to get a fake passport and peace out to a country without extradition.

0-14 points: If you want to keep this guy around, you might want to let him know before YOU get friend zoned.

 

 

15-29 points: You’re in the middle, and things can go either way. If you still want out, do it now before you decide to move in together or share a pet or do something rash that will change your life – or before you get a rash that lasts for life. If you’re in it to win it, you’re the favorite so keep plugging away champ. You’ll be able to change your ‘it’s complicated’ Facebook relationship status in no time!

30+ points: You’re already way past the dating zone in his mind. If you’re still unsure, I probably can’t help you. In the meantime, I’ll just RSVP to your wedding. Make sure to put me in the wedding party – pair me up using the following chart:

 

If the aforementioned method fails, you can always use the peak flow meter approach – the harder you blow, the closer you get to the green zone. (Dear Inbox, you’re going to eat shit over that one – I apologize in advance.)

On a relevant side note, I cannot guarantee the accuracy of these statistics, mostly because I totally made them up. But I’ve got some black magic for you – no, not the ‘tap your mom for mana’ magic that happens in the Titan Lounge. Try some direct communication; that’s some badass voodoo stuff right there. Just ask where your partner thinks you two are at in the relationship. If you can’t even have that conversation successfully, that’s a bad sign and you’re gonna have a bad time.

Either the meds are kicking in, or I’m actually growing tentacles. Sticking to the doctor’s orders next time, that’s for sure. As for you, doc says go out into the dating world and make some mistakes otherwise I won’t have anything to write about next week. Just don’t catch anything because I’m not a real doctor and putting my stethoscope on peoples’ genitals really only results in tears and lawsuits.

Questions for Darren? Send them off to thewanderersex@gmail.com.

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  • Anonymous

    Hi Darren.

    Long time reader, first time commenter. I’ve noticed that this sex advice column has an unhealthy focus on relationships and I was hoping that I could remedy that while also ameliorating a dilemma of my own.

    My question to you is: What is the proper role of the prostate in lovemaking, and how do I introduce it to the relationship? When it comes to lovemaking my girlfriend seems to think she’s really got me “pegged” but the irony is that this couldn’t be further from the truth.

    Thoughtfully yours,

    Unmassaged in Edmonton