WOW Wrap (It) Up Edition: Wanderer Online Sex Advice | By Darren Tardif

Welcome back! It’s Monday. Sad face. (Insert your own Garfield reference here, because I’d rather ram rusty knives in all my face holes than make one) With the end of the weekend comes the end of University of Alberta’s Week of Welcome. If you’re like me, you spent the entire week celebrating our station of higher education by drinking copious amounts of alcohol and drunk-texting incoherent jumbles of consonants to someone’s mom. If not, enjoy laughing at the sick life of a student. Now that I’m back from abusing the live Twitter machine at the beer gardens, I can please your retinas with this week’s edition of WOSA. Follow me on a journey of regret, sadness, and confusion as we dissect the first (half)week of time spent at the U of A.

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On Friday night I went to this crazy party. I managed to get a girl’s number, but now I don’t know what to do with it. I want to call her and ask her out on a real date, but my buddies say there is a three day period that I should wait. I really want to talk to her, but I don’t want to come across as needy either. What’s the best way to go with this?

– Calling her, maybe?

I had to look this one up. I’ve never heard of the three days rule before, but apparently it’s real. I always thought that applied to break-ups as kind of a nice guy thing to do before you hook up with her best friends. Who knew?

Call her. Not now, but right now. You mentioned this was at a party, so you probably spent two hours swapping saliva-borne diseases and giving her your digits before getting hers. It could be as easy as saying “Hey girl, you’re cute and I like wearing sunglasses while holding baby ducks. Let’s date forever.” You’re one observatory star-gazing session away from a long-term relationship. If you’re not Ryan Gosling, you might have your work cut out for you. You must consider the possibility that you were only meant to be a drunken hook-up. Convincing her otherwise will be an uphill battle, but at least you’re armed with the knowledge. Complement your love interest on something other than her looks or how great your faces fit together. Find something meaningful that you shared, and bring that up in your phone conversation to win over her sober side. Maybe you connected over a favorite band, a common interest, or a fun hobby. Bring it up in a way that allows you to pursue a themed first date! If you only connected over, on top, and around a hobby horse, maybe you should consider moving on and using a different approach next time.

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My boyfriend is going to a different university than me. I thought it would be okay, but it turns out I’m not good at long distance.  I keep meeting all these new more exciting people everywhere I go. To make things worse, I won’t see him in person until the Thanksgiving break. I’ve heard about the turkey drop, and I’m wondering if that is the way to go. Do I really have to wait that long to break it off? 

– Wishing boys were like Kit-Kats

For those of you who are uninformed, turkey drop is the aftershock of the drama earthquake that rips through high school during senior year. It all starts when couples are wrenched apart by distance. Different schools, different towns. Promises given – eternal love, nightly phone calls, frequent visits. At first it’s easy. You sneak out of parties for Skype dates. You ditch friends to make phone time. You ignore the really cute potential mates at the end of your floor. As time goes by, the conversations get shorter, more predictable. The hollow voice at the end of the receiver is a ghost – an abstract concept of a person you used to know. There are real people waiting for you. Sinister, it brews below the surface until the feeling is so strong that you’d rather wrap the phone cord around your neck than listen to the strings of syllables spilling out from across the country. At this point, it’s over.

Fortunately, there is an easy way out. Turkey Drop is the ‘get out of jail free’ card for relationships. Thanksgiving is the one weekend where you’re actually expected to break up with someone. As an added bonus, it’s far enough away from Christmas and Valentines Day that you won’t look like a douchebag. You will also save a trip back to the mall, or an awkward re-gifting of named underwear. “Hey Kevin, I heard your girlfriend likes to call you Kristen so I made these up especially for you.” How do you participate? First, head over to your local gift store and pick up a themed card. My favorite says “I hope you have a giant fridge…“ and then when you open the card, the inside reads “because you’re this holiday’s leftovers! Happy Turkey Drop!” It’s not a birthday, so he’ll actually read the card instead of just snatching the cash out of it. Protip: the money is for ice cream and beer. Guys have feelings too.

For all you terrible people waiting to participate in this year’s Turkey Drop, there is a light at the end of the tunnel. Canadian Thanksgiving is way earlier than its American counterpart, so you don’t have to wait as long!

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Darren, I’m sobering up and don’t want to do this anymore. This chick is crazy in all the wrong ways. She said she wants inside me. Fuck man, I’m scared. Get me out of here.

– Last text I got from my buddy Friday night

Hey [————–], thanks for the message. I started taking my work home with me, and got this awesome idea where I’d use some of the dumb stuff my friends text me for my articles. It’s okay though, because I’m here to help. Now before you tie the sheets in knots and Rapunzel out of the ninth floor of the apartment building you’re trapped in, take a moment to think. Did you put me in your will? Probably not.  My advice? Take one for the team. Text me halftime updates. I live vicariously through my friends, so don’t wreck this for me. If they’re good enough I’ll post ‘em up on Twitter. Everyone wants their fifteen minutes of fame. Well, five in this case.

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As a final note, I’d like to offer a special apology to anyone I interacted with over Week of Welcome. Just put the dry-cleaning bills on my account. And to the girl at the party who drunkenly described her love as a rare flower – unique, beautiful and always growing – I have some news. Flowers are fragile and need constant attention.  MY love is like a weed – ultra competitive. Also, you can’t get rid of it unless you spray it.

 Got any questions on your mind? Send them off to Darren and Chloe at thewanderer.sex@gmail.com

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